Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Look how amped this midget is! I can only hope I raise my son to be this beefy.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

July 2012 PumpUps Experiment

PumpUps.comprovides a supplement trial service. For a monthly fee of $10, you are sent a package of supplement samples: 6 different supplements for a total of 10-12 sample packs.

Last month I did a review of PumpUps.com as a service. This month, Tony is taking a look at what PumpUps.com had to offer in July’s shipment, and seeing how much of it he can consume in 24 hours.

Pump Ups Contents (July 2012)

NO3 Chrome
Description: Nitric Oxide Booster (capsules)
Number of Sample Packets: 2
Servings per Packet: 1
Flavor: N/A (don’t chew them, they are gross, but you can open the capsules and snort the powder if you cool like that)

Bullnox Androrush
Description: Pre-workout (powder)
Number of Sample Packets: 1
Servings per Packet: 1.5
Flavor: Fruit Punch

Six Nutrition Vitamins for Men
Description: Multi-vitamin (capsules)
Number of Sample Packets: 1
Servings per Packet: 1
Flavor: (they are capsules?)

Inner Armour Peak Anabolic Gainer
Description: Post-workout protein/carbs/creatine/BCAA. “Mass gainer.” (powder)
Number of Sample Packets: 1
Servings per Packet: 1/4
Flavor: Chocolate

Purus Labs Muscle Marinade
Description: Pre/Intra-workout (powder)
Number of Sample Packets: 2
Servings per Packet: 1
Flavor: Cherry Limeade

VPX NO Shotgun
Description: Pre-workout (powder)
Number of Sample Packets: 2
Servings per Packet: 1
Flavor: Exotic Fruit

Now that I have all these supplements, it is time to get fucking swollen.

Pump Ups Supplement Trial Day:

Tony always say, “go big or go home,” so I went all out for this one.

Friday

1:00pm - Consume Six Nutrition Vitamins for Men with 12 oz. of water and a lunch consisting of 3 whole chickens. This vitamin supplement has ingredients to support Heart, Joint, Sex, Muscles, Mind, and Energy. After taking them, I immediately wanted to hit a new 1RM on Deadlift, run a marathon, take the SATs, and have sex with everything! I’m kidding. It is a multivitamin. Nothing happened.

5:00pm - Take NO3 Chrome and wash down with NO Shotgun mixed in 16oz. of water. Within 10 minutes I am feeling pretty good. Got a small buzz going, skin is starting to tingle, I feel uncomfortable sitting still, I should hit the gym.

5:30pm - Begin workout. Despite having already consumed a pre-workout, and the warning label’s claim that “one packet is all you need. DO NOT EXCEED MORE THAN ONE SERVING,” I mixed a packet of Muscle Marinade into a shaker cup to consume during my workout.

6:00pm - I am blazing through my Back portion of my Back & Biceps workout. Pre-workouts got me buzzing and the intra-workout Muscle Marinade is keeping my irregular heartbeat alive. I haven’t hit any PRs but I am putting up some good numbers on all my lifts and getting a pretty good fucking pump when I am doing it - my lats are so swollen that I keep knocking into people because I don’t know my own width.

6:10pm - I finish the end of my back workout with sets of pull-ups to failure. My bicep veins are looking crazy sexy at this point. If I was wearing sleeves, I would have ripped them off. Taking 3 Nitric Oxide products should by my new modus operandi. My biceps are so pumped after doing Back that I was contemplating not doing biceps while I finished off my shaker of Muscle Marinade. Then I stopped being a pussy. NEVER SKIP BICEPS.

6:30pm - 5x5 EZ Bar Curl. 3x8 Hammer Curls. 1 drop set of Alternating Dumbbell Curls. 2x12 High Cable Curls to see if I could get my arm to explode. And one set of flexing gratuitously in the mirror. Operation Arm Annihilation complete.

6:35pm - Consume Inner Armour Peak Anabolic Gainer in 16oz. of water. The cool thing about these PumpUps packs are that, for 3 or 4 days, I don’t have to remember to put powder in ziplock bags, I got the sample packs right there. The problem I had though, was that this sample pack of mass gainer was only 1/4 of a serving, so I feel completely cheated and I had to rush home to get a full Two Scoops serving of protein.

7:00pm - I am still waiting for some crazy bowel movements to hit me, but nothing yet. Could it be I’ve found a pre-workout cocktail that doesn’t make my intestines revolt?

8:00pm - Crazy bowel movements.

10:00pm - Begin drinking

10:28pm - BTFO

Saturday

9:00am - I wake up feeling not so sore (probably the awesome multivitamin), but I have an apocalyptic hangover, like somebody dropped a 25lb dumbbell on my temple. Attempts to counteract these effects include consuming my second packet of Muscle Marinade and chugging approximately a gallon of whole milk while watching Pumping Iron.

10:00am - I feel human again, although the Muscle Marinade is failing at Hangover reversal. So much for Muscle Marinade’s claim that “One packet is all you need. DO NOT EXCEED MORE THAN ONE SERVING,” cause one packet ain’t doing shit right now. What did we learn here? Take TWO SCOOPS. GET HUGE. END OF STORY. I take my packet of Bullnox straight to my face, and it tastes amazing (not joking, Bullnox really did taste good). I watch Sportscenter for a bit and head to the gym.

Total 24 Hour Pre-workout consumption:

• Muscle Marinade - 2 Servings
• NO Shotgun - 1 Serving
• Bullnox Androrush - 1.5 Servings
• NO3 Chrome - 1 Serving
• Six Multivitamin - 1 Serving (I count this because it has stimulants in it)

.

I am not terribly impressed with this, and y’all shouldn’t be either. How do I expect people to call me The Internet’s Foremost Expert on Pre-Workout Supplement Abuse when I barely exceeded 3x the recommended serving amount for these supplements? Tony can do better. Tony will do better.

-Tony”Too Pumped Up” Muscoli

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Yesterday, Terry Crews went on the internet aggregator Reddit to answer questions from strangers with keyboards. We at Two Scoops are HUGE fans of Mr. Crews and have posted a few of our favorite Q&As here. Here is a link to the full Terry Crews AMA.

Reddit: Terry, if you could fight one person from history, who would it be?
Terry Crews: My Great great-grandfathers slave-master.

Reddit: Three best exercises for putting on overall mass?
Terry Crews: Squats, Power Cleans, Pull ups

Reddit: How fun was it filming the “a thousand miles” scene in White Chicks?

TC: It was one of the BEST moments of my entire life. The Wayans are geniuses and it was my breakthrough in my acting career. I’ll never forget it. That was the moment my life changed.

Reddit: How much can you bench press?
TC: Don’t do maxes any more, but I’ve ended my sets lately on 420 three times.

Reddit: Who would win in a fight between you, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger?
TC: I would never fight two of the greatest men who’ve ever lived. I’d fight whoever they told me to fight. I’m a soldier- they are the Generals.

Reddit: How many bullets would you say you fired in the first and second Expendables films? Both on and off screen?
TC: 100,000 bullets minimum.

I like Terry Crews even more now. With the exception of this answer:

Reddit: How are you so cut up?
TC: I run 3-4 miles a day. minimum. Weekends too.

God I hate running, but I love Terry Crews. I’m so torn.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Who do you think would win in a fight? You, or Diana Graham’s boobs?

Don’t get me wrong Two Scoopers, I like you all, but this chick’s cans are fucking deadly. The first time I saw them, all the blood in my head rushed to my dick and I fainted. I went down hard too, smacking my head onto a stack of 45lb plates. Doctors say I would have died due to the blunt force trauma to my dome, but I was saved by the unusually high levels of pre-workout stimulants in my system.

Prior to seeing this picture of Mrs. Graham, I had ingested a potent cocktail of NO-Xplode, Jack3d, SuperPump MAX, and C4 stirred into a can of Monster Protean, with a cocaine chaser. Apparently, this had effects similar to stabbing an EpiPen into my spinal cord, and this saved my life. Kids, don’t try that at home. In the meantime, look at a few more pictures of Diana:

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I don’t always advocate treadmill usage, but when I do, I say do it with SWAG - and this chick’s got it.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

P.S. This is the ONLY good thing I have ever seen come out of a Planet Fitness.

The Force is strong in this one.

Reader Email:

Hey Tony,

I got a pair of straps with your name on ‘em. Here is a pic for you to J.O. to.

-James G. Guttershot

Everybody knows that Tony “Two Scoops” doesn’t cry, but I think I might be having an emotion right now. I don’t know what the precursor to crying is, because I have never cried, but I think that is what I am feeling right now:

I think this feeling is pride, for I have never been so proud to call myself Tony “Two Scoops” in my entire life. These straps even have American Flags on them! That is massively awesome - mawesome! God Bless America! It would nary surprise me if Ronnie Coleman himself had blessed these glorious tools of hypertrophy. I am sincerely proud of this James G. Guttershot, whomever he may be.

Now that I am done being emotional, my question is, where can I get some of these? Where can the rest of the Two Scoopers get some of these?

How fucking awesome would it be to do deadlifts with straps that said “Get Huge” on them? Then you look to the rack on your left, and there is a guy doing Barbell Rows with “Two Scoops” straps on, and you guys give each other HUGE high fives and everybody in the gym is jealous of how huge and awesome you are. Maybe you throw in a chest bump too? Perhaps even slap dicks together? I don’t judge.

God! Arnold! these straps are awesome.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Check out this dude’s forearm!

As The World’s Foremost Expert on Forearm Vascularity, Muscularity, and Proportionism, I can confidently say that this forearm is relatively ideal in terms of size and asthetics for your average 18-36 year-old male looking to impress bitches whilst wearing a (sleeveless) T-shirt.

Let’s zoom in on that aforementioned musculature:

…enhance…

…enhance…

Very nice. Notice how the overall appearance is not too big, not too small, well developed towards the joint, with moderate vascularity throughout. Take notes Two Scoopers, this is the type of forearm asthetics you men should be striving for.

Now, let’s zoom back out again…

…De-enhance…

…De-enhance…

…De-enhance…

…De-enhance…

…

Oh, what the fuck.

-Tony “Me Too Horny” Muscoli

A passage from Two Scoopsticus 13:20

Thanks to Kelly W. for the image.

Kroc Rows

Kroc Rows are, in a nutshell, really, REALLY INCREDIFUCKING HEAVY dumbbell rows for high reps, and they are named after powerlifter Matt Kroczaleski.

Matt was performing dumbbell rows for sets of 30 reps, no straps, with 150lb dumbbells, the heaviest dumbbells in his gym. He figured he had reached max level and decided to cut out dumbbell rows from his training to focus on new equipment.

A short while later, while preparing for USA Powerlifting Nationals, he noticed that the bar was slipping from his hands on all his heavy deadlifts. When he added dumbbell rows back into his training, he stopped having that problem.

From then on, Kroczaleski made dumbbell rows a dedicated part of his training regiment, and his quest to find the most ridiculously massif dumbbells ever began.

His quest was to perform 300lb rows for reps. Not suprisingly, one of the biggest challenges was finding dumbbells that heavy. Kroczaleski ended on a pair of 36” long double-threaded bolts that were actually used for anchoring large buildings. Did you read that? “USED FOR ANCHORING LARGE [FUCKING] BUILDINGS.” Buildings, not dumbbells, but buildings. They were made from hardened steel and were long enough and strong enough to hold the amount of weight he needed. Matt had his brother, an ironworker, weld some inside collars onto the bolts, and he began working towards his 300lb goal.

He did it:

This, my Two Scooping Friends, is

Actual. Fucking. Beast Mode.

Even the name of the exercise is beastly; “Kroc” sounds prehistoric huge.

Next Back Day, when it is time to do rows, instead of “working on your form” with “slow, unilateral movements,” grab the biggest piece of iron in the building, and get Krocing.

I hope this article has inspired you to put on a lion costume next time you do Kroc Rows and check out Matt’s article on T-Nation for the full story of his quest to build the biggest dumbbells known to man.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Praise the Lord! Any Lord! Allah! Hallelujah! Baruch Hashem! ברוך ה׳! Namo Amida Butsu! Hansen Natural CEO Rodney Sacks! The Monster Titties Girls! Whatever alien God that Christian Scientists worship! I don’t give a fuck who you thank, I’m just glad this drink exists and that I’ve found it.

Monster Energy Drink with 15 Grams of Protein = Chub

If I could marry a canned beverage, this would be it. Why? Because it is the perfect marriage of protein and energy - of getting huge and heart palpitations - that is why. When I first saw this I went from 6:00pm to 6:45pm. I am not even kidding, my pants definitely moved a little bit.

My choice in energy drink has just been made for me. Never again will I waste valuable time on a Saturday night deciding between RedBull and AMP or RockStar or Monster or Jack3d or Full Throttle or shots of tequila or an iced coffee or No-Doz or Cocaine. From now on, it is this drink 10 times out of 10.

Monster Rehab Protean Review:

Monster Protean Taste:

This dank shit tastes like a regular Monster Rehab “Tea” drink, just a little bit more supplementy. It tastes as though they took cans of their Rehab Tea drink, stuck a needle into them and shot them up with 15g’s of high quality protein. Taste is perfectly acceptable if you like Monster and it leaves you with ZERO excuses to get any other energy drink besides this one.

Taste: 7.9/10

Monster Protean Nutritional Content:

I have yet to see another energy drink with 15 grams of protein, all other ingredients are mute at this point.

Nutritional Content: 10/10

Monster Protean Effects:

Big Tony kicked off his Saturday night right by doing Two Scoops Strikeouts: take a hit, take a shot of protein vodka, chug a Monster Protean, exhale, get a blowjob, repeat.

Needless to say, I played like a champion. The proprietary Rehab® Energy Blend kept me buzzing all night, ensuring that I had sufficient motivation the beat the beat up, and the added protein removed the anxiety caused by alcohol’s effects on protein synthesis. While most Two Scoopers were thinking, “shit, all this booze is inhibiting my protein synthesis,” I was thinking, “shit, all this booze is inhibiting my protein synthesis, but at least I chugged an extra 30g’s of protein to make up for it.”

Effects: 9/10

Monster Protein Review Final Score: 9/10

Buy this shit.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Look at this sandbagging son of a bitch. Olympic Kayaker Marko Novakovic has shoulders that are more ripped than Britney Spear’s vagina, and he gets to hide his chicken legs inside his Kayak. GENIUS!

I can’t hate though, I’d take arms like that and legs like toothpicks if it got me on the podium. I am just jealous that he is going to be made famous for this photo of his fucking diesel delts.

I want to know more about this guy, you do too:

Marko Novakovic Stats:

Country: Serbia

Birthdate: 04/01/2026
Age: 23
Height: 6’1” / 189cm
Weight: 209lbs / 95kg
Sport: Men’s Kayak Single 200m

-Tony “Two Tickets to The Gun Show” Muscoli

Look at this smug little twat, making people look stupid on national television. Not Tony though, nope. Two Scoopers don’t lift 8 days a week to get pranked by some faux Girl Scout.

I don’t train Atlas Stones bi-weekly for nothing; I do it so shit like this never happens to me.

A couple Two Scoopers training with Atlas Stones.

A 5-gallon water jug full of random spare change weighs roughly 150lbs.

These metal buckets look to be about 3 gallons. So we could assume they each weigh about 90lbs when they are fully loaded with metal coins. That would make for a total double Atlas Stone lift of 180lbs - NO. FUCKING. PROBLEM. That is my front squat warm-up. Bring on the Bucket Prank little girl.

150 lbs ÷ (3/5)*2 = Peanuts

Next time, try this with a pickup truck bed full of lead buck shot and make it a challenge for Big Tony.

-Tony “Two Buckets of Change” Muscoli

This photo was asking for it.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

"This is not an ordinary workout.
This is not boring.
This, you will not soon forget.”

You are fucking right I won’t forget that video. I get the willies just thinking about watching it. I feel like I just got hit in the face with an innuendo cumshot. I need a shower to wash the gay off me. Actually, this commercial probably isn’t even entertaining to gay guys - it is that retarded.

The Shake Weight ads made it clear how fucking useless the device actually was, but it was funny in its phallic-ness and made for a great gag-gift (pun intended). The Free Flexor, on the other hand, takes this dick joke to another level and includes balls, and balls are gross.

At least the Shake Weight could rest on a shelf and be inconspicuous; it wasn’t until you picked it up and started jerking it that it became a handheld innuendo.

Meanwhile, I wouldn’t dare have the Free Flexor anywhere in, on, or around my home. It looks like a sex toy. I’m not talking about the fun kind of sex toy either, I am talking gross sex toy. The kind of toy that if you find it in a girl’s nightstand drawer, you get the fuck out of there. The kind of toy you only see in one of those sadomasochism fetish porns you sneak into your friend’s DVD player as a joke. The kind of sex toy that people in the business don’t call a “sex toy,” because they call it a “sex tool.”

It would take about $500 for me to agree to appear in a Shake Weight commercial. Make a quick buck, laugh it off, whatever.

It would take about $50,000 for me to agree to appear in a commercial for the Free Flexor and do a testimonial. Honestly, think about it, that shit would RUIN your life. You can’t laugh this off like you could the Shake Weight.

Jerrod, the former marine, (besides spelling his name like a dingus) probably started out filming as a Marine, but was dishonorably discharged when the Marines found out he was going to be in this commercial.

Did the designer of the Free Flexor know what he was creating? Did he glue two rubber balls to a double ended dildo on a dare and then say, “watch me sell this thing for $40 to people who lack intelligence.” Or was he just oblivious to the fact that the Free Flexor was an overpriced testicle joke?

Balls.

-Tony “Too Disturbed” Muscoli