Two Scoops. Get Huge.

-Joey “Juice” Vigaroni

This picture has been floating around Tumblr fitness blogs recently, so I took the liberty of fixing it. Tony saves the internet, again.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I don’t think it’s possible for me to disagree more with a single statement. It’s a simple mathematical equation:

Meatstick = Protein x (Attitude + (Lifting to the point of bowel-releasing exertion)).

To think that anyone would give advice that you shouldn’t attempt to lift well beyond what is clearly outside your realm of possibility is obviously NOT huge.

Aside from the sheer embarrassment of the can’t-do attitude this writer is publishing, I’d like to discuss that anyone who struggles at 30 Lbs, is either A) a chick who can’t shop for my weekly chicken inventory, or B) a hipster. Either way, I’m confident Darwin will clean up the mess.

-Joey “Juice” Vigaroni

You know why Easter is so awesome? Eggs. Shit ton of them too. So much fucking protein on this holiday. Back in the day, Easter egg hunts were all about finding hard boiled eggs that Moms had so diligently painted all kinds of pastel. Now, Easter egg hunts are about finding little plastic eggs full of candy. Well guess what, not in my fucking house, not at my Easter party. I hard boil 20 dozen eggs, paint them all camo and hide them throughout the back yard. Kids aren’t allowed to eat for 3 days leading up to Easter, so those little rugrats are practically foaming at the mouth, or dead.

And on the 3rd day, Easter Sunday, I move the bench rack out into the lawn and we have a bench-off. Kids who throw up the most weight get to go egg hunting first. And all the little kids who come to MY Easter party know how important protein is - kids aren’t even allowed past the bouncers if they can’t tell me the difference between Whey and Casein.

I start out with like 20 starving kids sitting in mini-hunger comas out on the back lawn, and by the end I have 20 ravenous infants running around trying to find Easter eggs to SURVIVE… not just to get a goddamn sugar rush. And once those kids find their first egg and get a taste of that sweet, sweet chicken poop, it is like they have been resurrected, and they are on the hunt with a new fervor that can only be found in a Two Scooper child.

That is how you do a mother fucking Easter egg hunt, none of that Peter Cottontail BS.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

This is a repost of last year’s, Happy Easter Egg Hunting. Yes, I was too lazy to write something new, but nobody fucking read this last year and nobody will read it again this year.

Fact. Here are some prime locations for those of you who are new at this.

Top 5 Places to Run Past Girls with Your Shirt Off

1. Beach
   Everybody already has their shirt off, which dilutes your half-nakedness, but on the upside there are a lot of half-naked women as well. Plus, nobody RUNS along the beach in the middle of the day, so you will still stick out. BE THAT GUY.
   
   
2. Next to bodies of water (other than the ocean)
   Assuming it is accommodating terrain, go for a jog along a river, lakeshore, or around a pond. Bitches love running in pretty places. Water is pretty. Therefore, bitches.
   
   
3. College Campuses
   This is pretty self explanatory. All those coeds out on the quad in their sundresses and tank tops and shit? …too easy. When you run through a college campus with your shirt off, all the dudes are wondering, “who is this asshole.” Meanwhile, and this is the important part, all the girls are checking you out, and if you are lucky enough to talk to one of these broads, the conversation goes something like this:
   

   "Oh so wait, you don’t go to school here?
   (read: so you won’t gossip about me if we bang)
   And you are huge and ripped?
   And you have a job and a car?!
   Want to see my dorm room?”

4. Parks
   Girls like to run around scenery, so if they aren’t next to water, they will do the next best thing: parks.
   
   
5. Treadmill
   This one is risky because, apparently, working out inside the gym with your shirt off is frowned upon. However, if the need arises to run next to, or across from, a smokin’ hot babe, then you got to do what you got to do. It won’t not get you noticed, that’s for sure.

Hey, can I interest you in a less-than-subtle head turn as I burn past you?
Actually on second thought, I’ll just let you stay up front and set the pace.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

This review will take you through the experience of taking a first dose of GNC’s pre-workout supplement, Ravage.

1. The Bottle
   It looks stupid. Not as shiny and flashy as NO-Xplode, and not as simple and science-y looking as Jack3d. But looks aren’t important, results are, and the result of naming this thing “RAVAGE” means that it will command respect when you display it prominently in your kitchen.
   
   
2. Ingredients
   GNC decided to take BSN’s approach here and stuff their pre-workout with as many fucking ingredients as possible. 3 of them work (Caffeine, Creatine, and L-Arginine), 87 of them will RAVAGE your asshole.
   
   Luckily, they keep all the effective ingredient dosages hidden in their mysterious proprietary blend, so you don’t know if you are actually getting enough of any ingredient to do anything.
   
   The rest of the diarrhea-inducing ingredients are all a bunch of plant extracts that may, or may not, do anything other than confuse your digestive system. Fenugreek, Wild Yam, and Cinnamon Extracts round out my skepticism nicely. More bro-science that actual science behind some of these ingredients, but hey, if you put ALL OF THEM in one supplement, one of them is bound to do something right? Right?
   
   
3. Smell
   Open that tub up and take a whiff. Your nostrils will sting a little. They will be confused, perplexed, then they will tell you, “Don’t do it. Something doesn’t smell right.” But you don’t care, you are trying to get huge. So you take a scoop and start stirring. Fuck!… It smells even worse now.
   
   
4. Scoop
   Normally the scoop wouldn’t get its own category, but RAVAGE’s scoop is so fucking big I got confused and thought they put the wrong size plastic scoop in my tub, then I checked the label. The serving size is 1 scoop. 1 scoop is 26 grams. That is over 5 times bigger than Jack3d’s serving size of 5.5g. 2.5x bigger than HyperFX’s serving size. RAVAGE’s serving size is the same as my whey protein. That is fucking insane.
   
   Hypothetically, what happens if the heavier ingredients settle to the bottom of the bottle during transit and just caffeine is left on top, and you don’t think to stir it up, and you accidentally scoop yourself 20 grams of Anhydrous Caffeine? 10 grams is fatal for fucks sake. You would have the most hardcore workout ever.
   
   
5. Taste
   No surprises here. It smells like shit, tastes like shit. But whatever, taste isn’t the end goal here, hugeness is.
   
   
6. Energy & Pump
   Naturally, I took two (giant fucking) scoops of this shit to get a good buzz going. It worked.
   How I Felt After Taking RAVAGE:

   

   
   RAVAGE certainly has enough caffeine to fuck up my workout. 200mg per serving, so two scoops had me buzzin’ like that weird German guy in Blow. I had to jump rope in between sets to keep people from noticing that I was shaking uncontrollably.
   
   Pump wasn’t anything spectacular, but it almost doesn’t matter when YOU CAN LIFT FOR 4 HOURS STRAIGHT.
   
   Strength saw good improvements in endurance. I didn’t notice myself hitting any new PR’s, but I was lifting heavier weights for longer. Normally you start to fatigue after hitting your big compound lifts early in your workout, but it felt like 18 sets of Incline, Flat, and Decline bench were just a good warmup for my tricep isolation lifts. Fuck yeah.
   
   
7. Hangover
   After your incredibly energized workout, you leave hyper-exhausted and become useless to the fucking world. I found this out the hard way. I tried working out over my lunch hour. My 45 minute lift turned into an hour and 45 minute lift, and by the time I got back to my desk I was basically asleep. You know what they say, “Work hard. Workout even harder. Then don’t work at all.”
   
   
8. Price
   SRP for RAVAGE is $39.99. There are 20 servings in a bottle. If you can do math, and I know many Two Scoopers can’t, that is $2 a serving. $2 a serving for a pre-workout is insanely retarded. Energy drinks at CVS are cheaper than that shit. By comparison, NO-Xplode is $1.34 per serving if you are stupid enough to buy it at SRP of $66.99. If you bargain hunt for NO-Xplode, and I can fucking bargain hunt, you can get it down to $0.51 a serving. Therefore, vis-à-vis, to summarize, in conclusion, RAVAGE is over-fucking-priced.

.

Final Verdict: Definitely worth a shot, but not for the money, and you’ll probably move on after 1 tub anyway.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli