Two Scoops. Get Huge.

The original title of this video was “Sexy Girl Pull Up Bar Fail”. I found that title to be wildly inaccurate because this broad is a 6 at best. You could say, “oh she has a nice body,” but she doesn’t. My pecs would legit not fit into that training bra of hers. Tony like curves, and this skinny bitch ain’t got them. Also, she is mechanically deficient, which is a turn off. If she can’t get that bar to hold up even her little boobs, I’d hate to see what happens when she tries to prop open a door or screw in a light bulb.

To be fair though, that type of pull-up bar is TERRIBLE. When I was in high school I had one. Thing fuckin’ sucks. I was getting all jacked up for a season of bone-crunching JV Football, when the bar gave out and I came straight down onto the back of my head. My buddies said I was concussed - I think I still am. That is why you go to a real gym. Home gyms are for Tony Hortons and soccer moms.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

You see how many fucking pulleys this thing has? Do you see the double pulley up top? The double pulley means that this weight machine gives the lifter a mechanical advantage of 3. That means that when there website boasts, “two 150 lb. solid steel precision weight stacks”, they leave out the part where you are actually only using 50lbs of force to move that weight.

Let me try to explain.

A Fixed pulley has a fixed axle and is used to change the direction of the force on a rope. It has a mechanical advantage of 1.

A movable pulley has a free axle and is used multiply forces. Simply put, if one end of the rope is anchored, pulling on the other end of a rope will apply a doubled force to the object attached to the movable pulley. This has a mechanical advantage of 2.

When Maxicam threw a bajillion fucking pulleys on their Crossover machine, they effectively tripled the force that is applied to the weight.

They could keep it simple and set it up like this:

This system has a mechanical advantage of 2. A lot of cable machines do this, I don’t know why. Maybe they think we are all pussies who can only lift half of their weight stack? Whatever the reason, this is common.

However, there is an alarming trend in gym equipment that Two Scoops will not stand for: The Double Pulley. The reason we are all gathered here today, is to point out the vagina on the Maxicam Crossover Pulley. A simple diagram illustrates the intense girlishness of this machine:

For those of you who don’t have a high school diploma, this diagram shows how the double pulley system, that the Maxicam “Max Pussy” Crossover Pulley machine utilizes, gives the lifter a mechanical advantage of 3.

Long story short, if you think you are crushing 150lb tricep pressdowns, think again: it is only 50lbs… pussy. Watch out for girly-ass double pulley machines, they are the kind of equipment Planet Fitness uses.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

That isn’t how you do it kid. I’ll tell you what your problem is, and it isn’t that you are barely breaking your left elbow while simultaneously bouncing the bar off your right pec (if you can call it a pec) in an effort to demonstrate some of the absolute most disgusting benching technique ever filmed, it is that your arms are fucking tiny. How do you expect to press anything when you are rockin’ anorexic triceps? Here is my advice to you, and every scrawny bitch that has the oh-wait-being-skinny-isn’t-and-never-was-cool epiphany and tries to bust into the gym and bench 205lbs with 13 inch arms:

Don’t try to impress anybody with free-weights when the only thing you’ve curled in the last 2 years is an X-Box controller.

…Or else you’ll end up looking like this asshole. Stick to BodyPump classes, Yoga, and push-ups in your living room until your body composition isn’t entirely epidermis and bone marrow. 3% bodyfat is sweet, but not when you are 0% muscle.

Get back to your computer, minimize World of Warcraft for 2 seconds and email me, tonymuscoli@gmail.com for some personal training tips. I charge $60/hour (My rate is directly proportional to the size of the dumbbells I curl so hurry cause my rates are about to go up).

-Tony “Two Scoop” Muscoli

Research Abstract — The purpose of this study is to gain understanding of the relationship between ejaculation and serum testosterone level in men. The serum testosterone concentrations of 28 volunteers were investigated daily during abstinence periods after ejaculation for two phases. The authors found that the fluctuations of testosterone levels from the 2nd to 5th day of abstinence were minimal. On the 7th day of abstinence, however, a clear peak of serum testosterone appeared, reaching 145.7% of the baseline ( P < 0.01). No regular fluctuation was observed following continuous abstinence after the peak. Ejaculation is the precondition and beginning of the special periodic serum testosterone level variations, which would not occur without ejaculation. The results showed that ejaculation-caused variations were characterized by a peak on the 7th day of abstinence; and that the effective time of an ejaculation is 7 days minimum.

Well isn’t that a fucking diabolical Catch-22. Everybody knows testosterone is the balls when it comes to muscle building, but this article is saying I have to be abstinent for an entire week to get my “T” jacked up? How the fuck am I suppose to do that? What happens if I wait a whole week, and my testosterone jumps up by 45.7%? Is the ultimate goal to never get off and walk around giving the weight room 145.7% all the time? Because if you did that then you would be huge and awesome, and when you are huge and awesome you get to fuck chicks, but when you fuck chicks your T-levels go negative 45.7% and then you are back to square 1.

This sucks. There has to be a supplement that lets me circumvent this problem. Whatever, I won’t even try. Even if I did make it a week, I’d run into a laptop a girl long before I was able to reap the benefits.

-Tony “Blue Balls” Muscoli

I’ve seen this fun little poster all over the internet recently:

Hurray for dudes! blah blah blah… but I thought it was missing something CRITICAL:

But how does this story really end, the dude is like 50 with no family? I don’t know, that seems like he turned out to be a loser. Am I wrong? Being single is cool… until everybody you know around you is all wifed up and then you are like, the lone wolf bro trying to convince your married friends to go do single guy shit, but more likely you just end up being odd man out all time. 3rd wheeling it everywhere you go? No thanks. I am sure some people can pull it off, but we ain’t all Hitch, so I fixed this poster for real:

There you go. Whether you want to be single your whole life or not, this poster works. Dude got huge, shit got awesome. Tell ya friends.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli