Every damn day of my life… sheeeeeiit. Cause that’s how you do it when you huge.
And yes, I flex the entire time. It is exhausting. You try flexing for 4.5 minutes straight.
And oh yea, i’m hung like a tic tac, but that is probably just the roids talking.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
I posted this on Craiglist:
I received this in response to the above posting:
From *******@hotmail.com to Me:Tony,
Shout outs do not buy food or pay bills. Designers are professionals.
Would you ask a carpenter to build a deck and give a shout out every time you have a party?
Hopefully your business will succeed but think how you would survive on shout outs.
Good luck
Lawrence *****
Lawrence *****,
Shout outs, as a matter of fact, can buy food and pay bills. Our business, for example, would thrive on shout outs. It is an internet business.
Therefore, shout outs = links back to our site.
Links = increased authority in search engines.
Increased authority = better search rankings.
Better search rankings = increased site traffic.
Increased site traffic = increased ad revenue.
Increased ad revenue = money to buy food and pay bills.
Money to buy food and pay bills originating from shout outs = complete and utter destruction of your shitty argument.
Also, you inquired,
"Would you ask a carpenter to build a deck and give a shout out every time you have a party?"
The answer is yes, I would. Suppose I throw fucking kick ass parties (which I do), and you were a carpenter who had the opportunity to build the deck upon which those massive ragers were thrown. Now suppose I put up signs that say, “this awesome deck you are all partying on? Built by Jesus the Carpenter, Inc.” And, in the middle of the sweaty dance floor orgy that all my parties inevitably deteriorate into, I stop the music, grab the mic, look out over the overly tan, sexily sweaty crowd and proclaim that “this party couldn’t have happened without Jesus the Carpenter, Inc.! That dude built the dance floor you guys are tearing up and right now! WHOOOOO!” Then I tell the DJ to spin that shit and we get back to going crazy, with the thought of Jesus the Carpenter fresh in our minds.
People at my amazing party would see those signs and hear that shout out and think that now they want awesome decks too. They call Jesus the Carpenter, Inc. later that week and pay him to build their decks. And that, my uneducated friend, is how, and why, referrals work. And perhaps getting your your name on my shitty site isn’t worth the time it would take to make a logo, but suppose BodyBuilding.com asked you to make their new logo. And they said that they wouldn’t pay you, but they would give you free advertising and refer to you, anybody who asked: “who made your logo?” Would you do it? The answer is yes. You would. Unless you are retarded. Or if you are already a highly sought after designer (which I will assume you are not, since you took the time to respond to my bullshit post on Craigslist).
Hopefully your business will succeed when you are wasting time responding to jobs on Craigslist that you don’t even want.
Also, I could knock you out.
Best of luck,
Tony
Dear Sir,
4 years USMC. That Marine to you puke mouth.
12 years US Navy rugby team. You couldn’t knock out my granny.
Your rant, which i didn’t waste time to read is a waste of time as are you.
Kiss my ass.
From Me to Lawrence:Dearly beloved Lawrence,
I respect and thank you for your service to this country.
That being said, you should read my rant, because, although it is a rant, it is actually quite rational, incredibly sensible, and if you read it then you will learn something.
However, if you are still too lazy to read the rant (which you undoubtedly did read, but are saying that you did not so you will sound tough - because tough people can’t read I guess?), let me summarize:
I am right. End of Story.
I anxiously await your retort.
Sincerely,
Tony
Sir,
OK you win.
Amazing how an uneducated, retard as myself served 20 years in the armed services as Naval Flight Officer, flying off carriers.
Oh dopey me.
BTW I provide design as a retirement hobby for less amped persons. A western brewery is but one.
Enjoy your partying. This is my last word.
L
L,
1) Thank you for acknowledging my victory, and I thank you again for your lengthy service to this country.
2) Yes, I agree with you. It is actually quite amazing how an “uneducated retard” (your words, not mine) managed to be a Naval Flight Officer for 20 years.
Or perhaps more plausibly, I find it amazing how somebody, such as yourself, would think that they could win an argument by sarcastically admitting defeat, and declaring themselves an uneducated retard, instead of actually defending their viewpoint with a clear and sound argument.
3) You provide design as a retirement hobby for less amped persons. Excuse my ignorance, but what are “less amped” persons?
4) I will enjoy my partying, thank you.
Most sincerely kindest regards,
Tony
Knocked out.
By,
Tony
The more of this guy I watch, the more I love. Scooby has over 145 videos on YouTube and I want to watch ALL OF THEM.
This video, in particular, is a masterpiece. The gnome at 0:07 is THE SHIT. I want somebody to put together a gnome highlight real. Please somebody else do it for the Scoop de Dos. If you do, send it to tonymuscoli@gmail.com and I will put that funky shit up here for all 6 people who read this blog the world.
And the names of the improper curling techniques? Genius.
"The Powerlifter Wannabe," "Disco Dork," and "The Flapping Chicken" are pure gold. How do I meet Scooby? Can I pay him to come to the gym with me for Chest and Triceps? If I plug his website, can I get a shout out?
Scooby’s Motherfucking Website!
You’re welcome. Now, for my shout out, Scooby, I’m thinking you stare deadpan at the camera and get your pecs going, just bouncing all over the place. Then, have the gnome pop up and say something like, “TwoScoopsGetHuge.com is the balls!”
Title it “Two Scoops Got Huge” and watch it get a million hits. Boom. Done. And you don’t even have to pay me for writing that bomb-ass script.
I am in Starbucks.
Fuck I KNOW! But hear me out. I am in Starbucks because I needed to get some work done, and I have NO IDEA how to use a library. I always look in the windows of coffee shops on my way to, and from, the gym and there are always intellectual looking people on their laptops (supposedly) getting shit done. I thought I would try it - I’m game to try almost anything at least once.
This is why I get the Scoop from home, because while I see pictures of IFBB Legend Ronnie Coleman as artistic depictions of a man at the top of his sport, normal little people assume I’m gawking at gay porn or some shit. Fuck those ignorant losers. From now on I will do my blogging from a real man’s coffee shop: GNC.
One of the main reasons we all get huge is for swimsuit season, am I right? Good, because that is how I will justify this post:
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a boob man.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
I wonder what his dick vein looks like?
-Tony “Too Veiny” Muscoli
"But Tony, why is the day after Valentine’s such a bountiful day for staring at girls’ asses in the gym?"
I am glad you asked. We here at TwoScoops are experts on pretty much everything, so listen up as I crush your brainspace real quick.
There are a select few occasions where women will consistently over-indulge their caloric intake: Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and after break-ups. Then the following day, like the day after the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, women everywhere flock to the gym.
But the kicker with Valentine’s Day: hot, single girls are out in FORCE. On V-Day they all got together and watched a romantic comedy, chugged red wine, and stuffed face with pink cake, and chocolate bars, and those chalky candy hearts that read stupid shit like “UR MY GAL” and “DIVA.” Now that they are done being sad about how they don’t have boyfriends, they are fat with the guilt of not having a man date the night before. So the next day rolls around and it is time to hit the gym with a vengeance. God bless stretchy pants, lifting sports bras, and tight tank tops.
I’m telling you, mark February 15th on your calenders for next year: “GO TO GYM,” you won’t hate me.
Also I Googled “hot girls working out” so you can go J-O now:
I should get a fucking fog machine for when I do curls. Make me look all old London, mysteriously bad ass like Robert Downey Jr. in Sherlock Holmes.
-Tony “Never Too Many Titties” Muscoli
Gregg Valentino says, “my arms are going to be bigger than a midget!”
And for that, we thank you Gregg. Even his name is bigger! He can’t just be Greg with one “g” at the end. Greg with one “g” would have small 22” biceps. He has to be Gregg with two g’s, because he is that fucking huge.
This stupid asshole sets the golden standard for the GAB segment, and for that we give Mr. Valentino the mad, stupidfly, bombass, retarded props.
Gregg’s arms are so fucking big that TLC named an entire documentary after them:
The Man Whose Arms Exploded: Part 1
How do you like that fucking giant button? Made that shit myself.
(Disclaimer: When we say, “See us on YouTube,” we really mean, “See the videos that other people made that we just re-posted under under our account name on YouTube.”)
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
I need to get these farmers in charge of my breeding habits. I want my “sperm machine” pumping out Super Babies two at a time. I’ll call my selective breed “Super Scoopers,” and they are going to run shit.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
Just found this movie on Netflix. You better believe I bumped that shit up to the front of my queue.
"Steroids? I LOVE IT if they on my team!"
-awesome Giants fan
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
Anyway, I read the return policy very carefully, because I am poor as shit and can’t afford to be spending GNC prices on supplements. Turns out, I can return the bottle, with the bottle partially or fully emptied, and they will give you a full refund. Naturally, I emptied the bottle, all $80 worth, into a ziploc bag and sent the empty bottle back to Force Factor. Within a week my credit card was refunded all $80. Losers.
Now, as acceptable collateral damage, I get SPAM from them on the reg. Their latest email had somebull shit quote like:
"Force Factor is the absolute best product to hit the market in years" - BJ Penn.I call ’horseshit.’ I click the link, read the landing page and laugh - out loud. Seriously, if you know anything about supplements, go read their sales pitch because it is HILARIOUS. Let me give you a summary:
"Blah blah blah Force Factor is the greatest thing ever I can’t believe nobody thought of this before!"
Except they have thought of it before:
All this fucking chart established was that Force Factor is A) not a protein powder and B) a gayer version of NO-Xplode. Why on earth would you advertise the fact that your product doesn’t have Caffeine and Creatine? Caffeine and Creatine are the two most researched, most proven, and most(ly) legal athletic performance enhancing supplements on the market. I don’t know about you, but I want more shit in my workout supplement, not less. Here is a more appropriate chart that I made:
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
To honor this great American tradition of exchanging breaded for barren chicken, poutine for protein shakes, beers for bicep curls, and cheese dip for chest press, I thought I would search around to try and find the most impressive biceps on each team and put them up against each other… but then something very strange happened to this post. Read on…
This post got off to a bad start because this is the only picture of a Steeler I could find flexing his bicep. So already I’m thinking the Packers have this one on lock:
I started by thinking that Clay Matthews was a shoe in for Green Bay. The dude is always pulling out the Front Double Biceps pose and killing it. I had to do my due diligence though so I kept searching. I found a contender 10 jersey numbers up at #62 Evan Dietrich-Smith. His biceps are MASSIVE. Arms like goddamn tree trunks, but they lack the definition that defines Clay’s gorgeous ‘ceps. I was about to dismiss #62 on account of poor definition, when I found this picture, and that is when this post took a hard left turn.
There are so many amazing things going on in this picture.
What the fuck is going on here? I need to find this chick and get her to put me in a headlock. Who ARE YOU!?!? What are you? Strangle me! The caption says your name is Rebeca Rubio, I’ve never heard of you. Now I am going to Google (Images) the shit out of you. And to the victor go the spoils, I’d like to introduce to you the winner of the Super Bicep Bowl Sunday:
Rebeca Rubis, Miss Fitness Guatemala
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/slideshow-9-least-effective-exercises
Yet another credible source preaching the TwoScoops gospel. Check out slide 15.
Boosting your muscle mass increases your metabolism, so you burn more calories all the time, even when you’re not working out.
There is some muscle mass i’d like to boost.
Uh huh, who needs cardio when lifting helps burn dem cals ALL DAY? Sure you can spend an hour on the treadmill, but i’ll spend 10 minutes bringing a genocide to my pecs, then those babies will burn calories all day baby! ALL DAY!
If there are any non-believers out there - your friend on the cross country team, people who think it is important to be “fit,” people who run marathons, Lance Armstrong, any endurance athlete, couch potatoes, people who think it is important to get a “good balance of resistance training and cardio,” old people who do water aerobics, or pretty much anybody who doesn’t know what a pectoralis major is - send them this article.
We are here to educate people on the awesomeness of being massive. Now go forth, spread the gospel, and get huge.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
I heard an ad on the radio for Panera’s “new” Breakfast Power Sandwich. Talking about how it has “tons of protein” and helps you “power through your day. I tried to ignore it because anything made by Panera can’t be that powerful, can it? However, I had already heard the word protein, so I had to go check it out.
I went to Panera.com with lower expectations. I am expecting another Kashi situation here. They are pawning pushing this sandwich on their home page so they better be ready to take the heat. I checked out the nutrition facts and to my surprise, the Breakfast Power Sandwich actually has 22g of protein. Not half bad, waaaay better than Kashi’s bullshit cereal. Better than an Egg McMuffin too. I can deal with 22 g’s. Obviously I would have to buy two sandwiches to get a respectable amount of protein, and that is where the problem lies. We are dealing with, what is essentially, a fancypants Egg McMuffin sandwich that costs almost $4. I can’t be spending $8 on breakfast sandwiches, that is highway robbery. Especially considering the fact that I tried eating one of these things, and it didn’t make me feel powerful. Sure it tasted a bit more gourmet than a Dunkin Donuts breakfast sandwich but what doesn’t?
It is now almost lunchtime, I am four Breakfast Power Sandwich’s deep right now and I don’t feel any special powers. I am out $16 and I haven’t seen any results yet. Fucking four scoops of Jack3d and my biceps instantly double in size and I can eat through concrete. Not with this bullshit sandwich. Hey Panera, just call it a “Breakfast Sandwich” and leave it at that. Don’t claim “power” when it gives you none. Marketers can be such lying douche bags. You know what is powerful? Tony’s Two Scoop breakfast. I’ll elaborate as soon as I finish kicking the shit out of this Panera cashier.
