Two Scoops. Get Huge.

This is a commercial for The Anti-Gym, an extreme, and sexy gym in Denver, CO run by Michael Karolchyk. Oddly enough, the gym is now closed due to Karolchyk’s failure to pay backtaxes to the tune of $184,000.

I can only imagine how much shit this gym got for this commercial - the Beer Googles Fairy, who came exploding out of the refrigerator, basically just committed a hate crime by assaulting that fat chick with a cream pie.

I totally get what they are trying to do, the message they are trying to send: “We are not a bunch of Planet Fitness Fucks here - Meatheads and Elliptical Bunnies only.” However, the general public (an increasing portion of which are overly sensitive “chubbies”) probably can’t look past the hate crime they just witnessed long enough to observe the subtle brilliance of this commercial.

Not only is the script amazing, but this commercial preaches some valuable life lessons:

1. Alcohol is not a solution to your problems.
   "This is pathetic! You need a beer bottle or a can to get a man?"
2. Proper nutrition is important for mind, body, and sex life.
   "A chubby eating a pie! That’s why you’ll never get a guy!"
3. If you are trying to find a man, and you aren’t hot, beer works.
   "[Beer] is the only way I can get a guy to come over!" Truth.
4. If your fridge is full of beer, and you are fat, your fridge might spontaneously combust into a meathead.

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If PC Police sirens stop wailing long enough for you to actually sit and really watch this commercial, and I mean really watch it, then maybe we can all reach an agreement as to whether or not this commercial is the best gym commercial ever, or the greatest gym commercial ever.

Shame this gym had to close down, Karolchyk, the owner, was a brilliant marketer…

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Pair Mark Wahlberg and The Rock up as a couple of idiot bodybuilders in Miami who get caught up in extortion and kidnapping that goes all bad, and what do you get? What is most likely Michael Bay’s most awesomest film to date:

PAIN & GAIN - Official Trailer (2013)

OH HELLLLLL YES.

I got chills watching that trailer. I have goosebumps. I have a boner. No… I have TWO boners. I am beside myself with joy. At this very moment, I am currently experiencing: happiness, joy, elation, anticipation, euphoria, jubilance, omniscience, and orgasms.

"I need a pump!" Is it April yet?

-Tony “Too Excited” Muscoli

Thanks to Paul O. for sending me this trailer LITERALLY the second it came out.

Reader Mail:

Hey Tony

Trying to be a twoscooper from England, and today my friend ridiculed me for seasoning my 6 egg omelette with creatine. Naturally, I punched him in the face. What are your thoughts on creatine seasoning?

-UKTwoScooper

First things first: bravo to this man for getting mega swole with a 6 egg omelette. And bravo to him for punching his friend in the face for not supporting his quest for Godliness.

Thoughts on Creatine Seasoning

I think creatine seasoning is a phenomenal idea. Supplement seasoning in general should be standard practice in my humble opinion.

Are you making oatmeal in the morning? Don’t add sugar (read: empty calories) to make it bearable, instead add a couple dashes of whey protein powder to give it flavor.

Pancakes? Add two scoops of whey and tablespoon of creatine to turn your pancake breakfast from a pile of Carby Fat-Fat Frisbees into a Stack of Swole Splendor.

Making a wrap for lunch? Before you roll up your chicken, lettuce, and tomato, slap a MET-Rx Big 100 Colossal protein bar in the middle to really round out your meal. I find that the Peanut Butter Pretzel flavor compliments a whole-wheat wrap nicely.

Grilling a steak for dinner? Add a tablespoon of creatine to your dry rub. A pound of steak only contains about 0.9 grams of creatine, and with the optimal daily dosing of creatine being 5 grams, there is plenty of room to improve that steak.

Freebasing crack cocaine? You guessed it; add some creatine to that spoon before you heat it up, my brother. Shit will FUCK YOU UP (no idea if the creatine plays a role in that).

Be careful with your creatine recipes though, use too much and your meal/shake will start tasting a bit like sand - delicious, muscle-volumizing sand.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Reader Mail:

Hey Tony,

I’ve been following you guys for a little while and this site is by far one of my favorite in the entire internet. I’ve been working out regularly for almost 5 years and I’ve got next to nothing to show for it because I’m an ectomorph. I’ve tried low-rep, high-weight lifting; different supplements; everything. Nothing seems to work. Is there any advice you can give me?

- lachenauer

As a matter of fucking fact lachenauer, there is some advice I can give you. We don’t call this glorious website “Two Scoops Get Huge" for nothing.

First off, let me quickly diagram what an ectomorph is, for those readers who don’t know:

An ectomorph is your typical skinny guy. Ecto’s have a light build with small joints and lean muscle. Usually ectomorph’s have long thin limbs with stringy muscles. Shoulders tend to be thin with little width.

Typical traits of an ectomorph:

• Thin, “delicate” frame and bone structure
• Flat chest
• Small shoulders
• Lean muscle mass
• Finds it hard to gain weight
• Fast metabolism

Now that we have established that you are skinny, it’s time to get you HUGE.

No More Scrawny

What is the major difference in diet between fat people and skinny people? Big people and little people?

FOOD.

Simply put: bigger people eat more food. It makes sense doesn’t it? You need fuel to grow, so if you eat more food, you grow more. Just take a look at The Rock’s cheat meal from last month:

After over 100 days of eating clean, The Rock ate a cheat meal consisting of 12 pancakes, four “double-dough” pizzas, and 21 brownies.

Obviously, The Rock doesn’t eat from this diabetes-inducing menu every day, but it gives you an idea as to the shear volume he consumes.

What to Eat

You can’t just eat 21 brownies a day and expect to get huge. You might get a little flabby, but not HUGE. We are trying to pack on some muscle here, don’t waste your stomach space on empty calories. We want to eat what the body can use: protein, carbs, and fats (take a multi if you want “vitamins”).

Most specifically what you need is protein - lots, and lots, of protein. Approximately 1 Metric Dickton of protein a day. Here is your shopping list next time you go to the grocery store/GNC:

1. Whey Protein Powder
2. Casein Protein Powder
3. Chicken
4. Steak
5. Tuna
6. Whole Milk
7. Eggs
8. Greek Yogurt/Cottage Cheese (whichever you prefer)
9. Carbs (rice, pasta, vegetables, etc.)
10. Anabolic Steroids

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When to Eat

Eat ALL THE TIME. As an Ectomorph, your metabolism is probably chewing through your caloric intake like a wood-chipper being fed kindling. You need to FEED THE BEAST. Here is a schedule for the day:

• Upon Waking: drink a whey protein shake (two scoops in whole milk). You have been sleeping for 8 hours, your body is fasted, it is hungry… feed it.
• All Day: You see that shopping list I made for you? Cook it. Grill up that steak, bake the chicken, hard-boil the eggs, open the cans of tuna, and cook your rice. Season to taste. Then put all those delicious calories into a garbage bag. Hire somebody like a personal trainer, or a call girl, or a midget to follow you around with the garbage bag full of food, and have them shove food into your mouth throughout the day.
  
  
  I pay this chick $50/hour to shovel calories into my face.
  
  
• Nightime: This is important, you are about to fast for 8 hours while you sleep, so you need to fuel up. Every night when I come home from the gym, I (roughly) follow this grueling evening eating schedule:
• 8:00pm: Whey Protein Shake - two scoops in whole milk, 60g protein.
• 9:00pm: Dinner #1 - Meat, 8oz Steak and maybe a vegetable, 60g protein.
• 10:00pm: Dinner #2 - Meat, 6oz Chicken Breast with rice, 50g protein.
• 10:59pm: Get weeded up on the pot (having the munchies is almost essential to the next phase of consumption).
• 11:00pm: Snacktime - 2lbs Greek Yogurt, 92g protein.
  (Warning: This step is not for beginners! Your stomach asshole will NOT thank you in the morning)
• Right before bed: Casein Protein Shake - Casein is a slow digesting protein, so consuming this right before bed will help you avoid muscle catabolism (breakdown) whilst you rest.

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Hopefully that gives you an idea for how much you need to be eating every day. Actor Chris Hemsworth is a naturally skinny guy, so when he was bulking up for his roll in Thor, he was eating upwards of 6,000 calories a day.

Before:

After:

Now that we have upped your calories, up the intensity in the gym. We’ll talk about that in:

How to Get Big: From Scrawny to Brawny - Part 2 (coming soon…)

Ah, remember the good ol’ days? Back in ‘94, when a carton of eggs was 90¢, gas cost only $1.00/gallon, Nancy Kerrigan was attacked by Tonya Harding, old men could deadlift 485 lbs, and Ronnie Coleman still had hair?

I love how even back before YouTube made it famous, “LIGHT WEIGHT!” was still Ronnie’s catch phrase. But what I love even more is Old Man Roy’s Shake-It-Off move. I might just start shouting that at the gym.

"Shake it off Roy! Shake it off Roooy!

I’ve already adopted the swimmer arm shake before big lifts, now all I need is a black man shouting “shake it off Tony!” before my big lifts to make it legit.

I miss young Ronnie. The dude looked good. He looks almost… plausible. Like, if I kept lifting for another 4 years - and was black - I could maybe, just maybe, look like that. Of course, this was before he shaved his head and turned into the 8x Mr. Olympia MONSTER we have come to know and love.

And looooong before he retired, and became the broad side of a barn:

Is it still human? We can’t be sure…

Man. Now in size Triple Wide!

Look at Ronnie in 10th Grade for Arnold’s sake! Barely more than a child and he already has arms that would make most grown men jealous.

It would have sucked lining up against Young Ronnie in Pop Warner. I would have probably just rolled over and played dead.

-Tony “Light Weight!” Muscoli

I am so insanely excited for this movie, my traps are getting anxiety over it.

Only 4 months and 19 days until Pain & Gain hits theaters.
Marky Mark AND The Rock!? Dreams do come true.

I once had a dream of being this boss, but then I looked down and didn’t have Zebra pants…

-Tony “A Little Bit Too Excited” Muscoli

Top 10 Search Traffic Keywords

Do you meatheads know what you are looking at? You are looking at the top 10 terms people search in Google that lead them to TwoScoopsGetHuge.com - real complicated internet shit.

Do you see what the #8 term is? I have circled it in red in case you can’t count.

"websites like two scoops"

"Websites like Two Scoops" is the 8th most popular term of the last few weeks. What the shit guys? Is Two Scoops not enough for you?

I feel like I am being cheated on. I feel like I just stumbled onto my girlfriend’s online dating profile.

What is it about this site that makes you run off looking elsewhere for your meathead satire? Over the last 3 years, we have posted over 400 articles, pictures, videos, and nip slips - have you really seen all of them? Have you read each article to completion? You know it doesn’t count unless you reach completion.

What else do you want me to do?! I’ll do anything (within reason) for you! I love you! I CAN CHANGE!

Whatever. If it’s websites like Two Scoops that you want, that is what you will get.

Websites Like Two Scoops Get Huge:

1. www.twoscoopsgethuge.com
2. End of list.

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<3 Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

At least once a day I am asked about cardio, so I am going finally set the record straight.

Cardio

"LOL. I have no idea what I am doing."

The question I receive most often from the treadmill hoes, is “Tony, you really don’t do any cardio?”
And the answer is always, “No. I do not.”
Cardio will stunt your growth. For you see, the repetitive body movements of traditional cardiovascular exercises cause the participant to maintain an elevated heart rate for an extended period of time. These extended periods of elevated heart rate will adjust the body’s energy output to a catabolic state (tissue burning), versus the anabolic state (tissue building) we need to build muscle.

When in a state of catabolism, the body draws its energy sources in the following order:

1. Carbohydrates - from stored cells and direct from food
2. Fats - from stored cells and direct from food
3. Proteins - amino acids and from muscle tissue

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When the body has burned through its stores of carbohydrates (stage 1) and fats (stage 2), it transfers into a state of mass catabolism, wherein the body will begin to utilize its own muscular tissue as a primary energy source (stage 3).

It is generally recognized throughout the strength training industry that medium-to-high intensity cardiovascular exercise exceeding durations of approximately one hour will initiate Stage 3, muscle catabolism.

I like to play it safe, by keeping the duration of my cardio sessions to under one set of 6-8 reps. The only exception to this: I’ll go for a 10 minute run once every couple months just to make sure I can still do it. Though, I am always sure to follow Two Scoops Running Protocol whenever I do run.

Somebody playing devil’s advocate would undoubtedly ask, “but Tony, what about all the health benefits of cardio? You need to raise your heart rate once in a while if you want to train the most important muscle in your body, your heart.”
And to these people I say, “you know what else raises your heart rate?… Caffeine and Cocaine.”

Caffeine

Caffeine is basically what this blog is built on. If I go a week without writing a post, then you know I have run out of pre-workouts. I have not been taking my daily two scoops of Jack3d, and I am therefore too tired and lazy to write anything.

Caffeine is the single most widely researched supplement in the world, and its positive affects on exercise and physical performance are well documented and undisputed.

When people are concerned that “if you are not doing cardio, you are not exercising your heart,” they are being naïve. Over the course of a day I take enough caffeine to overload a defibrillator, so I am pretty sure I get my heart rate up.

Research on Caffeine

You have to be careful though, taking too little caffeine can actually lower your heart rate!

Research reported by Isabella Sudano, M.D. et al. in MedScape Nurses News, indicates that the caffeine in coffee can both increase and decrease the heart rate. A moderate dose of coffee—-about 250mg of caffeine—reduces the heart rate, but higher doses can produce increased rates. Increased rates are more likely to occur in people who don’t usually drink coffee. The reason for these different results is that caffeine also affects blood pressure; when the blood pressure increases—-which it does after a dose of caffeine—-the heart rate slows. But higher doses of caffeine can trigger the neurotransmitters norepinephrine and epinephrine, and that can cause an increased heart rate no matter what the blood pressure is.

What is a higher dose of caffeine? The Mayo Clinic suggests that “more than 500 to 600mg a day can cause insomnia, nervousness and fast heartbeat.”

BOOM! 500+mg of caffeine = fast heartbeat, according to The Mayo Clinic (and my arrhythmia). That is science. Not broscience, REAL FUCKING SCIENCE.

And I am not even done yet.

Cocaine

After my caffeine induced cardiovascular adventure at the gym, I come home and get ready for the evening… by doing a bunch of cocaine.

According to WebMD, “Cocaine increases heart rate and blood pressure while constricting the arteries supplying blood to the heart. The result can be a heart attack, even in young people without heart diseas…” blah blah blah forget the last part. What we need to focus on is the increased heart rate.

Now when I say, “do a bunch of cocaine,” I am not talking about splitting a bag with a few of my friends, I am talking Johnny Depp in the last hour of Blow… then I go to the club. As far as you should be concerned, 4 straight hours of cocaine dancing to techno is more of a cardio workout than any amount of stationary biking.

Daily Cardio Plan

Imagine this as your daily cardio plan (cardio exercises are noted in parenthesis):

• You wake up in the morning and drink your morning cup of coffee. (caffeine)
• Then you have a second cup of coffee around 11am after Lunch #1. (caffeine)
• Sip on a RedBull after Lunch #2 at 1pm to prevent a food coma. (caffeine)
• Then you take two scoops of pre-workout before you hit the gym. (caffeine)
• Then you do a bunch of cocaine. (cocaine)
• Hit the club. (dancing)

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Following this cardio plan, from 2pm in the afternoon until the coke finally wears off at 8am, you will have an irregularly fast heartbeat. Therefore, this cardio plan allows for 18 straight hours of elevated heart rate. That is a big “FUCK YOU" to all the people who say that you are ignoring your heart health by not doing cardio. You are basically doing cardio for 75% of the day!

"I have done entirely too much cocaine…"

Now when people ask if you do cardio, you can snort a Monster, chug some cocaine, and say “yea, I just did.”

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I’m like:

This little guy even looks like a young Ronnie Coleman! …or am I being racist?

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli