My New Years Resolution: In 2011, I will double my shoulder shrug max out. (from 450 to 900 lbs.)
That’s right. Shrugs. It is a mystery as to why we have not yet touched upon this topic; it’s been all curls, babes and protein. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just that shrugs hold a special place in my heart… and traps.
"But Dudley, everyone knows that shrugs are dangerous, and trapezius muscles barely serve any function in daily life." Fuck off. You never shut up, do you? Check this shit out.
If that’s not functionality, I don’t know what is.
Why do you need big traps? I’ll tell you why. Two Reasons (Get huge, End of story).
Reason 1: The Look
For the ladies, of course. If you walk into Club Athena with that little chicken neck of yours, it won’t matter how expensive your Ed Hardy is, how big your watch is, or how much cologne you’re wearing. You’re not getting any love, my friend. However, if you roll up looking like you’ve had pot-roast neck implants, you are definitely getting fucked.
Why? It’s simple evolution. Allow me to explain. Hundreds of thousands of years ago, when we were still banging caveladies and getting eaten by pterodactyls, we had to hunt for our meat. Obviously, we could only hunt what we could carry home. As a result, the cavemen with the largest traps were able to shrug up and carry home sabertooth tigers and woolly mammoths on their rippling backs, while the puny-trapped little fucks could only transport diseased rodents in their gay little tote bags. The large-trapped cavemen would then bring their bounty of meat home to give to the cavebitches, who would repay them in the form of wild, raunchy cave sex, which in turn would create large-trapped babies who could hunt the big game like their fathers. Meanwhile, the puny cavepussies would be eating squirrel soup alone in the dark. Science, bitches. Start shrugging.
Reason 2: The Attitude
People with large traps don’t just look awesome, they are awesome. We emit a certain attitude. The only real way to get this attitude is to shrug, shrug, shrug. However, there are techniques available for you to attain an illusion of this persona, without ever having to touch a weight. I will teach you the most popular of these techniques: The Invisible Suitcases.
The Invisible Suitcases have been utilized for millenia, giving small guys big personalities. Fortunately, it is very simple. All you have to do is walk around all day pretending that you are carrying two gigantic, exceedingly heavy, invisible suitcases. Here is a little visual tutorial:
Nuff said. The Invisible Suitcases will turn any pipsqueak into a total baller. The problem is that this technique can only get you so far. People will eventually see through this charade. When it comes down to it, there is no easy substitute for monster traps.
During the coming year, hit the gym, do some shrugs, and you will not only get an awesome neck; you will become a better person as well.
- Dudley “Stacks” Rodman
