Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Nevermind Punxsutawney Phil, Spring is here when Arnold says it is.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Bust out a sweet Spring Break pump with these tips from The Dom:

-Tony

The new Pain & Gain “Red Band” Trailer came out yesterday and I am even MORE excited to see this movie after watching it. It’s got everything: Marky Mark, The Rock, midgets, fat bitches, nunchucks, karate suits, tazers, ass & titties, fast cars, and cold hard cash.

Enjoy:

"It’s called pain and gain Russ, don’t be a little bitch!"

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Thanks to Paul O. for the tip

As you may well know, anybody who is anybody was in Miami, FL the past week for Ultra Music Festival. Your Uncle Tony was, of course, in attendance and on Thursday I raged my face off at the appropriately named “Size Matters” Pool Party at the Fountainebleau in Miami Beach.

I spent most of my time blowing all of my money on $25 RedBull Vodkas and hamming it up with other awesome people like this fucking ripped older couple:

I asked these two to pose for Two Scoops and this guy immediately throws up the Front Ab pose like a hero. Not to mention the fact that his wife even flexed her nipples for the camera.

But then shit got real. Steve Angello takes the stage, the crowd looks up in awe, and that is when I saw it…

No, not the loser wearing a t-shirt at the pool party… look closer:

No, not the sexy blonde putting her hair up… look closer:

Right there! In the window, that asshole stroking THE ELLIPTICAL, of all things, while there is a massive fucking rage going on below him. I would get it if he stood up in the window and blasted some Dumbbell Overhead Presses to show off his sweet pump to all the sexy ladies below… but the elliptical?! Fuck man… I can’t even… I am so disgusted… I was so mad I threw a $10 beer at the window (I didn’t want the carbs anyway).

What an asshole.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Bournemouth, UK - Fitness fanatics were left with palpitations when a car ploughed through the front window of their gym as they worked out. Members of Pure Gym, in Bournemouth, were stunned to see a silver Toyota Celica smash through the window. No-one was hurt and two women who were in the car fled. A witness said two men continued their workout despite the smash.

I am not a particularly religious man, but I think that God is trying to say something by sending this car directly into the Ellipticals.

What are the odds the gym was crowded that day and these two guys paid the chicks to crash the car into the gym as a distraction so they could claim a bench for themselves? I wouldn’t put it past me.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I’ve been saying it for years: Go “get high in the bar.” Because really, what is the point in being huge if you give up your social life to do so? You are huge, and you are therefore THE SHIT. Act like it.

At least be better than me, drinking alone while I blog… wait a minute… oh my god, my skin is coming apart… it’s amazing!

Anybody up for some Jack3d Whiskey?

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Get ready to feel bad about yourself:

YouTube Description - MARYANA NAUMOVA, 13 years old, from russia benches 240 pounds RAW at the MHP power pitt at the 2013 Arnold Classic.

How much do you feel like a piece of shit right now? I don’t care if you are a 13 year old boy, a professional powerlifter, a collegiate athelete, or one of the 4 females that reads this website, watching a 13 year old girl bench 240 lbs will humble anybody.

I don’t think I was even benching 225 lbs until I was in college (much to my high school football coach’s dismay).

Looks like today will be a Chest day, you don’t really have a say in the matter.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

P.S. Hey Maryana, when you turn 18 give me call. We will breed and make POWERBABIES.

Reader Email:

Jay Cutler is at Gold’s Gym right now. He asked me where the assisted pull-up machine was and I pointed, then screamed like a little girl. Right before that happened, I got this photo to commemorate the occasion. I am going to put this on my resume, “Got Jay Cutler to take a picture with me to send to Two Scoops.”

- James

Brilliant shit James. Fucking brilliant. I think we have learned a few things from this photo.

1. Getting your picture taken with the guy who dethroned Ronnie Coleman will get you posted on Two Scoops 10 times out of 10.
2. Calf socks and tucked in shirts are making a comeback.
3. If your arms fit comfortably into your sleeves, you are doing it wrong.
4. Always Flex. Always! Especially if you know that a picture is being taken, there is no reason to not be flexing in it. None! Just flex, all the time, everywhere you go. Jay Cutler is doing it, you better be damn sure you are too. It’s all in the details. I guess that is why he is 4x Mr. Olympia and we are not.

.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Yea just… so… what the fuck. Guys, I don’t even… the physics don’t… Is it… ?reverse grip snatch?..Photoshop? .Hallucination? Dementia? Steroids? Fake plates? 7x Mr. Olympia? AHHHHHNOLD!

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I like it whenever Dom Mazzetti makes a new video, because it means I don’t have to do any work for a post. HUH!

Confession time: I am on a cleanse. I know what you are thinking, “what has gone so terribly wrong in your life Uncle Tony, that you had to go on a cleanse?”

I got to be honest, I’m just tired of it all. It is tough work trying to be so fucking shredded all the time. The 4 meals a day that consist of nothing but powder. The heavy lifting on a caloric deficit The heavy house music and heavy drinking every weekend. The 5 day weekends. The strict diet of meat and rice. My body can’t take it anymore! I haven’t had a fucking vegetable in 3 months… MONTHS.

I need to flush out the bad, and get shredded as hell, so I am going on a cleanse. I call it the Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse 2.0.

This cleanse is a power cleanse for only the most hardcore athletes. You must begin the cleanse by fasting for at least 2 hours. That means no food, only water and protein shakes for TWO FULL HOURS.

Now that your stomach is empty, you are ready to begin preparing the magical elixir that gives this cleanse its name:

First, take two pounds of fresh vegetables: kale, carrots, broccoli, spinach, and cucumbers… throw them away. Now, take 2 scoops of SuperPump MAX, 2 scoops of Jack3d, 2 scoops of NO-Xplode, 2 scoops of NO-Xplode 2.0, and a dash of cinnamon and stir into a gallon of whole milk that has been pre-saturated with four scoops of whey protein (it doesn’t matter what flavor whey - the combination of pre-workouts is going to give your taste buds autism anyway). Remember to stir all these ingredients together. DO NOT SHAKE.

The back of the NO-Xplode tub clearly states that you should stir the ingredients, DO NOT SHAKE. Obviously, this stipulation exists because, when mixed with water via shaking, NO-Xplode becomes unstable. More specifically, NO-Xplode’s stability is compromised when the delicate PhD imbalance created by the proprietary creatine matrix begins oscillations from shaker cup mixology techniques. The oscillating PhD levels cause insurmountable levels of volatile bowel instability which can result in involuntary release. DO NOT SHAKE!

With this in mind, it is best to stir all of your ingredients together in a large mixing bowl.

• 1 large mixing bowl
• 1 large spatula or spoon
• 2 scoops SuperPump MAX
• 2 scoops of Jack3d
• 2 scoops of NO-Xplode
• 2 scoops of NO-Xplode 2.0
• 4 scoops Whey Protein
• 1 Gallon of whole milk
• Cinnamon

Once you have stirred all the ingredients together in a mixing bowl, your cleanse “juice” should resemble the inside of a vinegar and baking soda volcano; the “juice” should be frothy, discolored, and the smell should be uncomfortable, but not unsettling.

Funnel your Super Jack3d Xplosion Cleanse Juice back into the gallon jug the milk came in. Enjoy!

Bring the jug everywhere you go and sip on it throughout the morning. By noon you will have pooped 3 times, GUARANTEED, and by the time you finish the cleanse, you will feel SUPERHUMAN.

This shit really works! Take it from me, Tony Muscoli, because I firmly stand behind all the shit I make up.

1. Mix 4 scoops of whey with whole milk
2. Stir in 2 scoops each of SuperPump MAX, Jack3d, NO-Xplode, and NO-Xplode 2.0
3. Add a dash of cinnamon
4. Stir, let settle for 5 minutes.
5. Pour mixture into gallon jug
6. Drink throughout morning
7. Shit yourself
8. …?
9. Be a superhero

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli