Praise the Lord! Any Lord! Allah! Hallelujah! Baruch Hashem! ברוך ה׳! Namo Amida Butsu! Hansen Natural CEO Rodney Sacks! The Monster Titties Girls! Whatever alien God that Christian Scientists worship! I don’t give a fuck who you thank, I’m just glad this drink exists and that I’ve found it.
Monster Energy Drink with 15 Grams of Protein = Chub
If I could marry a canned beverage, this would be it. Why? Because it is the perfect marriage of protein and energy - of getting huge and heart palpitations - that is why. When I first saw this I went from 6:00pm to 6:45pm. I am not even kidding, my pants definitely moved a little bit.
My choice in energy drink has just been made for me. Never again will I waste valuable time on a Saturday night deciding between RedBull and AMP or RockStar or Monster or Jack3d or Full Throttle or shots of tequila or an iced coffee or No-Doz or Cocaine. From now on, it is this drink 10 times out of 10.
Monster Rehab Protean Review:
Monster Protean Taste:
This dank shit tastes like a regular Monster Rehab “Tea” drink, just a little bit more supplementy. It tastes as though they took cans of their Rehab Tea drink, stuck a needle into them and shot them up with 15g’s of high quality protein. Taste is perfectly acceptable if you like Monster and it leaves you with ZERO excuses to get any other energy drink besides this one.
Taste: 7.9/10
Monster Protean Nutritional Content:
I have yet to see another energy drink with 15 grams of protein, all other ingredients are mute at this point.
Nutritional Content: 10/10
Monster Protean Effects:
Big Tony kicked off his Saturday night right by doing Two Scoops Strikeouts: take a hit, take a shot of protein vodka, chug a Monster Protean, exhale, get a blowjob, repeat.
Needless to say, I played like a champion. The proprietary Rehab® Energy Blend kept me buzzing all night, ensuring that I had sufficient motivation the beat the beat up, and the added protein removed the anxiety caused by alcohol’s effects on protein synthesis. While most Two Scoopers were thinking, “shit, all this booze is inhibiting my protein synthesis,” I was thinking, “shit, all this booze is inhibiting my protein synthesis, but at least I chugged an extra 30g’s of protein to make up for it.”
Effects: 9/10
Monster Protein Review Final Score: 9/10
Buy this shit.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
