Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Watch the music video:

At first I wanted to hate on this video, it seemed kind of forced. But the longer I let myself watch it, the more I kind of liked it. This kid was pretty spot on regarding a number of important issues:

• Pre-workout Shake Shits
• High Schoolers
• Selfies
• Half-reps
• Leaving weights laying around
• Kai Greene rumors
• Chicks who wear make-up to the gym

I agree with a lot of creator Mike Smith’s points. However, I am still left conflicted - the song’s sound and tone make it sound serious, like a fitness rant. Yet, the subject matter and the video make the production seem as if it was produced as satire. I can’t tell if I am suppose to nod my head in stern approval when I watch it, or laugh and post the video to my Facebook wall, #HILARIOUS #TRUTH.

I am also concerned because the “15 year old girl” from the music video looks like she is about 34:

I’ll let y’all decide.

Here is the Awkward Gym Moments outtakes video that is worth watching if you feel like wasting 5 minutes of your life in exchange for a muffled chortle at best:

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Flying In - VIDEO posted to Arnold’s YouTube account yesterday:

Like a fucking boss, that’s how Arnold gets his stogies. How can one man maintain such high levels of swagger for so long? Arnold has been killing it for the last 46 years - it doesn’t even make sense.

His level of Boss is unfathomable to your average human. Try to think of somebody who manages to stay as awesome and relevant as they age as Arnold has… Jay Z, maybe?

Jay Z is like the definition of swagger, for a guy in his 40s. Arnold’s reign of awesomeness began when he won the Mr. Universe title at the age of 20 back in 1967. Jay Z wasn’t even born until 2 years later, and by this time in 1969 Arnold had already won his 3rd Mr. Universe and placed 2nd in his first ever Mr. Olympia contest.

By the time Jay Z was entering middle school in 1981, Arnold had won the Mr. Olympia contest a record 7 times, and had a blossoming career as an action movie star.

Does that put things into perspective for you? Arnold is King. Now get me a helicopter to start flying in my post workout shakes.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Warning: This post is NSFW. Contains strong T&A.

These pictures of Brazilian actress, model, and smokeshow Gracyanne Barbosa have been causing an uproar on the bodybuilding forums for months. Can this broad really squat, what looks like, 450 lbs? That would be insane, right? No girl can squat more than me, I am a man goddamnit!

Your Uncle Tony took to the internet to find out more.

I came across this video of Gracyanne in an otherwise ridiculous, but uncomfortably-becoming-when-Gracyanne-is-wearing-it Rainbow Tiger full body spandex suit. In this video, Barbosa is pushing this bar with relative easy making me fear for my masculinity.

But then the insecure skeptic in all of us starts to question the video:
"The bar isn’t even bending. The bar starts visibly bending at 3+ plates. FAKE!"

But then you see a picture of Barbosa at Carnival:

God damn. ”Maybe Gracyanne could actually squat 450 lbs with glutes and quads like that,” you start thinking to yourself. But “no!,” you think, “it is impossible! No girl can squat that much with such ease!”
So you start zooming in on the video, trying to catch a weight value printing on the plates somewhere…

Dang. I can’t make it out. Are they 20 KG plates? That would mean her squat was MORE than 450 lbs. This is a goddamned mystery. None of the threads on this on internet forums like leanbulk.com or bodybuilding.com have come to any concrete conclusions. I must do more research…

Dat der is some good research if ya ask me.

In conclusion, Gracyanne Barbosa is a smokin’ hot babe with an ass so fat you could rest a shaker cup on her booty. However, I think we can all agree that it would be a damn near miracle if this girl, or anybody for that matter, could actually squat 450 lbs without bending the bar and without appearing to exert any effort. As far as I am concerned though, Gracyanne can stack as many fake plates on as she wants - watching her squat those flates gives women everywhere inspiration, and gives men everywhere emasculation boners.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

As I’m sure many of you aren’t wondering, my recent internet hiatus has been due to my moving across the country. I’ve moved from the East Coast to the West Coast in search of greener pastures and closer proximity to Arnold. However, despite being 2,500 miles closer to Gold’s Venice Beach, I could not be more uncomfortable.

California is sweet and all, but moving takes its toll. Change is difficult. You completely uproot your entire routine and a number of obstacles may affect your quest for swolccess.

1. Know Where the Gyms Are Before You Move

   I cancelled my gym membership back East and moved without properly scouting out the gym scene. Now I have no gym membership, and I no longer have a gym within walking distance of both my home and office. I can feel myself shrinking already.
   

   

   
   You are NOT helping Siri.

2. Check the Yelp Reviews on the Gyms In The Area

   Unless you are moving to LA, you may find a decent bodybuilding gym hard to come by. The first 3 gyms I have visited only had dumbbells that went up to 100 lbs. One gym only went up to 80 lbs - I guess I could curl those, but how the shit am I going to get any kind of solid Dumbbell Bench Press workout in with those candy-ass weights?
   

   

   
   It sounds gloooorious.
   
   

3. Bring Your Supplements With You
   Airlines have a 50 lb limit on bags, so my 10 lb potato sack of Whey had to be left back East. Am I fucking stupid? That should have been the only thing I packed besides my straps, wrist wraps, and cod piece. I packed a reserve ziplock of Whey, but that was gone before my plane even landed. I have only consumed store-bought protein shakes, and RTDs do DAMAGE to your wallet.
   

   

   
   For the low low price of $400 at your local Walgreens
   
   
4. Arrange Proper Sleeping Arrangements
   If you don’t have an apartment to move in to when you arrive (like myself), find a hotel room or a friend’s guest room to stay at. Can’t afford a hotel and have to crash on your buddy’s couch? Spend the $50 you would have spent on one night in a hotel and get yourself an air bed. Most preferably, find yourself a smokin’ hot babe who will share her bed chambers with you. Sleeping on a couch for multiple nights makes your precious recovery time inefficient, inconsistent, and ineffective.
   

   

   
   
   
5. Buy Your Chicken, Rice, and Tupperware the Day you Arrive
   I made the mistake of thinking I could survive a few days off of cheap Mexican take-out. 4 days and 7 spicy chicken burritos later and my asshole will never forgive me. You never really appreciate your bland chicken and brown rice meals until you don’t have them anymore. Preparing your food the way you like it is a luxury you should never take for granted.
   

   

   
   I found this picture on the internet, please excuse the vegetables.
   
   
6. Watch Out for Exploratory & Commuting Cardio
   Exploring a new city can be fun and exciting, but be careful that a pleasant walkabout doesn’t turn into an hour long journey that eats away all your gains.
   Another thing to watch out for: commuting cardio. An often unavoidable and necessary evil for city commuters, a long walk or bike to work can be an open invitation for Gains Gremlins.
   Like a moron, I didn’t properly map out my commute before moving to a foreign city and have subsequently banished myself to a twice-daily bout of dreaded cardio. I feel foolish. I feel unfit to bear the “Two Scoops” moniker. I now do more cardio a day than I did all of last year. A true tradegy. Learn from my mistakes Two Scoopers.
   

   

   
   Alexey Lesukov is a pro at avoiding cardio.

They say change is good. Tony Horton preaches about the benefits of “muscle confusion” in his p90X workout DVDs. It’s all bullshit. The only time your muscles get confused is when you deny them the Iron and Whey they crave. Your muscles only get confused when you stop lifting and start commuting. I’ve only managed 2 solid lifts in first 10 days and catabolism is running rampant.

My muscles are confused, “why do you hate us?” they cry!
“Where are our daily servings of chicken and brown rice?!” they plead.
"Are you some kind of California hippy pussy now?" they tease.
"You gonna start hiking and going on nature walks and eating Kale?" my muscles scoff, and quite frankly, I deserve it. I picked up and left the comfort and safety of my gym membership and magic bullet in search of adventure, and all I’ve found is the wildfires of California burning through my hard fought gains.

Head these warnings. Do your research. And don’t let your unrest excuse you from your duties as a Meathead. Do push-ups in a hostel common area if you must. Learn to hunt and fish for your protein if you must (gathering not necessary). Even do a trial membership at a Planet Fatness if, God forbid, it’s your only option.

Go on your adventures, take that new job, move to that new city, but never stop taking two scoops.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Arnold Schwarzenegger posted this on his Facebook page:

Arnold is 66 years old and he is posting memes of himself. I don’t know what is more incredible, that a 66 year old knows what “the Facebook” is, that a 66 year old knows that the internetz like teh memes, or that a 66 year old has better biceps than 95% of the world’s population.

If I have accomplished 1/10th of what Arnold has accomplished by the time I am 66, than I can consider my life a success. So far, I can check “post memes to Facebook” off the list. All I have left is:

1. Have the best body of all time.
2. Become a Hollywood A-lister
3. Marry into money, but already have a lot of money.
4. Be successful in politics.
5. Father a child with housekeeper.
6. Have a housekeeper.
7. Have a Facebook fan page with over 4.5 million followers (so far I have 1,200).
8. …

…fuck it. This list might as well be titled: The Unattainable Life of Arnold.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli