Two Scoops. Get Huge.: Archive

Brinky Ma Man! Fighting the War on Planet Fitness

Hell yeah Brinky! I don’t know who you are, but you are speaking my language. Join us! in our War on Planet Fitness. You echo our anti-Planet Fitness sentiments and we need right minded individuals like yourself to band together to defeat the corporate pipsqueak that is Planet Fitness. If you to want help, hit me up on Twitter @TonyTwoScoops or email me at tonymuscoli@gmail.com.

Sidenote: if you are going to join us, and I am speaking to Brinky here, you might want to work on your traps/delts/pectorals/lats/everything. No offense, you just need to get huger. This pictures is alright:

…but if you are going to do videos, be more like Scooby (in terms of pectorals, not demeanor):

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Jan 31, 2026

#Planet Fitness #Scooby

How to Build a Better Mousetrap: TwoScoops It

There is a mouse in my kitchen. Just saw that little fucker scamper behind the dishwasher. Now, for the normal person, this might mean one thing: get mousetraps. It certainly shouldn’t incite a blog post on a website for barbell enthusiasts. However, the problem lies in the fact that my apartment is balls deep in protein and other muscle building supplements. I am afraid that if this mouse gets into any of my shit, it could spawn a new race of creatine fueled super mice - and that is the last thing I need right now.

So how do you stop a creatine fueled super mouse with hyper elevated testosterone levels that can bench twice its body weight? You set a mouse traps with Two Scoops. You heard me, you Two Scoop that fucker into submission. This is the ultimate in practicing what we preach. Two Scoops of delicious, protein filled peanut butter on this trap and I’ll decapitate that hormonally altered rodent by dawn. Just watch.

I got you now slut. Two Scoops, Get Killed, End of Mouse.

Jan 27, 2026

Getting Ripped and Ripping Joints

Here is a little intro: this dude calls himself Scooby. He is no doubt huge, and I am all for seeing old dudes getting jacked, shaving their chest, and icing up there nipples before they film themselves to be on YouTube, but something is just a little off. Take a look:

In this video, our friend Scooby1961 is preaching about the adverse effects of weed on your bodybuilding regime.

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but I find him hilarious. Maybe it is his bucket hat, maybe it is the fact that he trekked out into the woods and surrounded himself with symbolic foliage to make this video, or maybe it is the way he talks so matter-of-factly about weed while his giant pecs are bouncing all over the place. More likely, it is the fact that this dude has clearly never smoked anything besides salmon in his life. Now I don’t smoke weed anymore, i’m not in fucking middle school. But I don’t know, I just get the feeling that this guy spent the 70’s stuffed in a locker somewhere instead of getting high like the rest of his generation, and now he is rebelling by getting huge and proving all those big bullies wrong. I mean I could be wrong, but I am not. I’ll let you judge for yourself though. Use the comments or something, I don’t give a shit.

Sidenote: If you get high and watch this, Scooby’s abs look like a sad face.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Jan 27, 2026 1 note

#Scooby #Arnold Schwarzenegger

How Do You Stab Planet Fitness in the Face?

Uuuh… what Planet Fitness? I should seriously stop typing. I am so outraged I might just punch my fingers straight through my keyboard. More Planet Fitness bullshit. Are you kidding me? What, because this dude has badass facial hair, he can’t tie his fucking shoes? Now you have pissed off bikers and construction workers too. Good job Planet Fitness. You are literally angering every genre of person who could whoop your ass. Whats next? An ad that belittles mafioso? I don’t know how you can stab an international chain of health clubs in the face, but I am going to figure out a way. Better yet, I will cram a dumbbell up its ass - sweet poetic justice. Fucking Planet Fitness…

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Jan 26, 2026

#Planet Fitness

LIP Jack LaLanne. Get Huge in Heaven.

Jack LaLanne died earlier this week at the age of 96.

"Jack LaLanne preached fitness before fitness was cool."

I couldn’t have said it better myself. A true pioneer in the fitness world. Without him, we might not be hear today, we might have transformed into a society of Michelin Men, or worse… we might not have cable crossovers. Yes, Jack LaLanne invented the cable machine. I would comment on his whole idea of “fitness” as opposed to the far superior Two Scoops ideals of “liftness” but one shouldn’t speak ill of the dead.

The man has now ascended into legend, and we can all honor his spirit by saying “LIP Jack LaLanne…” Lift In Peace. To say Rest In Peace would be sacrilegious. The man worked out 7 days a week for 80-some years - asking him to Rest would make him roll over in his grave. I hope he can lift his face off in heaven.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Jan 25, 2026 1 note

Weightlifting Makes You Smarter. Yeah, "No Shit."

Just how resistance training initiates changes in cognition remains somewhat mysterious. Ms. Liu-Ambrose said that “we now know that resistance training has significant benefits on cardiovascular health” and reduces “cardiovascular risk factors,” which otherwise would raise “one’s risk of cognitive impairment.” She speculates that resistance training, by strengthening the heart, improves blood flow to the brain generally, which is associated with better cognitive function. Perhaps almost as important, she added, resistance training at first requires an upsurge in brain usage. You have to think about “proper form and learning the technique,” she said, “while there generally is less learning involved in aerobic training,” like running.

The brain benefits from being used, so that, in a neat circle, resistance training may both demand and create additional brain circuitry. Imagine what someone like Einstein might have accomplished if he had occasionally gone to the gym.

-Phys Ed: Brains and Brawn by ~~Gretchen Reynolds~~ some genius bitch.

Well, well, well… looks like the tide is ~~finally~~ continuing to turn in our favor. Every nerd who ever justified their lack of a varsity high school football letter jacket by saying, “well those dumb jocks will be pumping my gas one day,” can bag my fucking groceries. I’d like to pretend that, up until this article, life was shitty because people just thought I was some dumb jock, but let’s be honest, i’m huge.

I’ve been saying from the beginning that as a people, us meatheads are smarter than we appear, but this research proves it. Now you know i’m not full of shit when I say that we are geniusii (the proper, latin plural of ‘genius’).

The great philosophizer Plato once said something like, “a virtuous soul, is not complete without strong body. And a strong body gets chicks.”

And our 3th President Thomas Jefferson once said, “A strong body makes the mind strong.” That is actually a real quote too. Aight enough of this edutainment. Time to get to work.

Now that there is scientific proof that bigger, stronger people are now bigger, stronger, and smarter people - it is time for The Beef to take over the country like President Camacho:

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Jan 20, 2026 2 notes

More Proof Planet Fitness Sucks

In this next chapter of the War on Planet Fitness, we will briefly examine Planet Fitness’ business strategy.

The winning marketing strategy, according to Recreation Management Magazine, a health club-industry trade rag, focuses strictly on luring in the “out-of-shape public,” meaning all of those people whose doctors have told them, “about 20 minutes three times a week,” who won’t come often if ever, and who definitely won’t join unless everything looks easy, available, and safe. The entire gym, from soup to nuts, has been designed around getting suckers to sign up,… and then getting them out the door.

- Men’s Journal, November 2010

Looks like some dude read that article, then started Planet Fitness. Their stupid fucking ads, their intolerance of anybody actually fit, it all points towards this strategy of luring in suckers. If you are considering Planet Fitness, do yourself a favor and just burn a $20 bill, once a month, every month, for 12 months instead.

I remember their big draw when they first started marketing was that they only charged $10 a month. Seems like a great deal right? What they don’t tell you is that if you actually try to workout, they are going to set off that bullshit Lunk Alarm and kick you out. Fuck that. Fuck Planet Fitness. Even there website is stupid looking. How am I suppose to take that purple and pink crap seriously? I want to workout, not sign up for a Hello Kitty newsletter.

Look at Gold’s Gym. Grey and black. The colors of classic, standard issue athletic gear and dumbbells. That is what a gym’s website should look like.

Planet Fitness sucks. If you join Planet Fitness, then you are a sucker. Don’t take it from me, take it from Recreation Management Magazine, the most trusted name in trusted names.

Jan 18, 2026

#Planet Fitness

Gratuitous Amounts of Bicep: Schwarzenegger in Commando

I would really love to start a weekly segment called Gratuitous Amounts of Bicep, but I can’t honestly say that the writers at Two Scoops could keep up with a weekly segment. All a bunch of fucking meatheads who can take their creatine supplements and protein shakes like clockwork, but when it comes to writing more than a goddamn text message, we are about as unreliable as Amtrak.

Anyway, a weekly segment is worth a shot. So in our first, and possible last, installment of our weekly segment Gratuitous Amounts of Bicep, Two Scoops proudly presents our king, Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1985 smash hit blockbusting cinematic masterpiece - Commando. Never seen it? Watch the first 45 seconds and you’ll get what we are hinting at:

I am pretty sure the sole purpose of this movie was to show off Arnold’s biceps. Is there even a plot? I think this is how the pitch went:

Executive Producer: Let’s make a movie about Arnold’s biceps.
Filmmaker: Uh, ok. So like Pumping Iron 2?
Executive Producer: No like a real movie.
Filmmaker: Is there going to be a plot? Or should we just dress him up in different sleeveless shirts and film his biceps?
Executive Producer: Yeah I was thinking something like that.
Filmmaker: Ok well as a filmmaker I can’t honestly let myself do that, so how about this: Arnold’s daughter gets kidnapped. Then he has to get her back, which he does primarily without a shirt.
Executive Producer: Gold. Here is $10 million dollars. Make it happen.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Jan 17, 2026

#Gratuitous Amounts of Bicep

Saved by the (Bar)bell

I was reading Barstool Sports when I came across this video:

That got me thinking… was it considered cool to be a skinny bitch in the 1980s? I mean, look at just about everybody in television back then… scrawny little toothpicks - except of course for Arnold (I am feeling a Schwarzenegger post coming on soon). Look at that video of Slater. After watching it you cannot deny that Mario Lopez was kind of a bitch. I don’t care how fast that take down was, how backwards his hat was, how cool he looked straddling the backrest of a diner chair, or how amazing his curly flow was - just look at him then, and look at him now:

Slater figured it out: Get Huge. I just wish the rest of the cast had read Two Scoops too - before they took “Get Huge” the wrong way…

Jan 14, 2026

Terry Crews Be Killin Em

POWWEERRR!!! Yeah. Hell yeah. Two Scoops of yeah. Yeah 3x. When I first saw these commercials I started standing up and yelling at my computer, flexing my pecs and getting all into it and shit. “EXPLOSIOOOONNNN!”

For a good day and half after this I could do nothing but watch these commercials, show other people these commercials, or shout quotes from these commercials at strangers. My friends thought I was drunk for two days straight. I would walk down the sidewalk yelling “building kick!” before trying to roundhouse an Applebee’s. It was a ~~weird~~ awesome time in my life.

Then, I saw this:

If you were left confused or bewildered by the Old Spice commercials, this clip should have set you straight. When Terry (we are on a first name basis) is not riding shitty animated tigers, or growing arms out of his bicep, he seems like he can be a pretty legit dude. A legit, HUGE dude.

"My specialty has always been my guns. You know what I mean? It’s kinda like that’s my deal. That’s one of the reasons why Sly put me in, cause he knew I had the look… A lot of military guys are like, he wouldn’t wear anything sleeveless, and I was like, ‘hey man - it’s a movie.’"

Yes Terry, yes I do know what you mean. Biceps are your specialty? Preaching to the choir here. I don’t know how much you read into this quote, but basically the man is saying he was typecast for his BICEPS. New definition to the phrase “Gun Show.” Seriously, check out the cast for The Expendables:

A fucking action hero bonanza. And of all those superstars and ex-atheletes-turned-actors, Crews is the guy cast as the-dude who-carries-around-the-giant-gun-so-he-can-show-off-his-biceps-the-whole-movie character, straight Schwarzenegger in Commando style. Phenomenal.

Now I don’t know if you made it through the whole 8 minute clip, but let me summarize for you:
When it comes to nutrition, Terry Crews has - yup, you guessed it - TWO protein shakes a day. We don’t make this shit up. There is a reason this site is called Two Scoops. It isn’t a catch phrase, it is fucking science. Terry Crews drinks TWO shakes a day, man is enormous. There is an obvious, direct correlation.

This blog post is TOO POWERFUL TO END!

But there you have it, whether you are bodybuilding for biceps or babes, fitness or fucking, competition or cunt - you have a new role model: Terry Crews. Dude is killin em.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

hurtinbombs:

Terry Crews, Working out

Jan 13, 2026 8 notes

No "Lunks"? How About "No Pussies".

Okay, I’ve had enough of this Planet Fitness shit. It’s time to start a Two Scoops Revolution. I propose a two step plan to bring the hamstring stretching, yoga classing, latte sipping, treadmill running world of Planet Fitness to its knees.

Seriously, fuck this guy.

Stage 1: Infiltrate.

The Two Scoops Nation will initiate the revolution by going to Planet Fitness and showing those assholes what a “lunk” really is. I will scream, I will stare at every girl’s ass, and I will throw weights everywhere.

I show up wearing practically nothing, donning a tank top that has less fabric than a napkin, and straps so thin that they cannot be seen with the naked eye.

I will then stomp over to the preacher bench and furiously load up the bar, leaving dozens of plates in my wake. The gun show begins. I do multiple sets of 225 lb curls, simultaneously screaming at the top of my lungs. The EZ bar slams to the floor, setting off a car alarm in the parking lot. A cat squeals. I look around and realize that Planet Fitness is completely empty. The “lunk alarm” has been hit so many times that it’s broken, unrecognizable, and completely beyond repair. The manager informs me over the PA that the police are on their way. Time to go home. Stage 1 complete.

Stage 2: Innovate.

~~Gentleman~~ Goliaths of Two Scoops, I present to you:”The Pussy Alarm”. In response to the infamous Lunk Alarm, Stage 2 of the revolution involves the installation of an alarm system at every Gold’s Gym that sounds whenever you do something disgraceful.

Wearing gloves? Pussy. Stretching? Homo. Funny little toe-sneakers? Punishable by death. I dare you to wear running shoes, or sleeves, or drink out of a water bottle that is smaller than a gallon. Go ahead and eat a granola bar, do sit-ups, or use an ab-roller; Make my fucking day.

When the Pussy Alarm goes off, you better believe someone’s in serious trouble. Before being permanently thrown out of Gold’s, you will be stripped naked, then tar-and-protein-powdered by Tony Muscoli, who will then beat you senseless with an Olympic bar, and drag your disgusting powdery corpse into the parking lot. In our beta testing of this system we’ve had more than a dozen activations of the alarm, and have shamefully wasted over 100 lbs of protein powder, and 15 pints of blood. This is not a joke.

Fuck Planet Fitness.

- Billy “Biceps” Luciano

Jan 9, 2026 7 notes

#Planet Fitness

No Lunks? WTF Did You Just Call Me Planet Fitness?

Planet Fitness at it again. Discriminating left and right. It has come to my attention that there is a “Lunk Alarm” installed at every Planet Fitness. The Lunk Alarm “sounds whenever somebody grunts, drops weights, or judges.” Then they kick you out.

So you know that feeling you get when you are on your heavy day, and your rotator cuff feels like it is about to implode when you are trying to place your dumbbells on the ground after a set of DB Flat Bench? Yeah that is why you drop weights. Well Planet Fitness would rather your shoulder explode, than safely drop the weights. And no grunting? How the fuck am I suppose to pick up heavy things and put them down?

Here is how they define Lunk:

Planet Fitness: “Lunk , n, [slang], One who Grunts, Drops Weights, or JUDGES”

Dictionary.com: “Lunkhead, noun Slang . a dull or stupid person; blockhead.

Also called lunk.

This means that Planet Fitness thinks that somebody who grunts or drops weights is a dull or stupid person. Newsflash Planet Dickless, I am the loudest person at the gym and I am a fucking genius. I don’t know how much more of this discriminatory, prejudiced stereotyping I can take. And that is why I am officially declaring the first ever official War on Planet Fitness. Ronnie Coleman is my 1st mate. Dude probably sets off the Lunk Alarm just by driving by a Planet Fitness.

And oh yeah, Planet Fitness Hates Gays.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Jan 8, 2026

#Planet Fitness

Kashi Thinks I'm Kobayashi

After annihilating my legs yesterday, I went to bed to get my 9 hours of Buff Sleep (it is like beauty sleep, but for dudes). I took some Animal PM and threw on some Hulu to help me relax cause I was still jacked up on stimulants from my workout. Then the first advertising break came on, and that is when shit hit the fan.

Kashi was running an ad claiming that they were now making cereals that had as much protein as an egg. AN EGG?! As in, ONE egg. What the fuck am I supposed to do with one egg? All the protein in an egg is in the egg white, and I eat a (minimum) 10 egg white omelette every morning. So am I suppose to eat 10 fucking bowls of Kashi instead? Who do you think I am Kashi, Kobayashi? Come to think of it they sound surprisingly similar. Probably some ridiculous marketing ploy. I feel like I am in one of those old Total cereal ads:

Cut the shit Kashi. Stop bragging about having the protein of ONE egg. Come talk to us when a bowl of your shitty organic dog food crosses the 6 egg mark. Then we can talk.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Jan 7, 2026

#Protein

Two Scoops. Get Huge.

January 2011

16 posts