Two Scoops. Get Huge.

In an attempt to stay informed/find new material/have pictures of chicks show up on my computer screen, I follow a number of blogs regarding women’s fitness. It can be real hit or miss. The line between a gorgeous body and a gross body is blurred in ways I hadn’t previously thought possible. Check out this chick for example:

You can dig that right? But then I’ll get sent pictures like the one below with a caption like, “nice abs!” And I’m sitting there thinking, “whaddafuckahyatalkginabow?” Nothing is attractive about a women with ab veins. NOTHING. As is, this girl’s face is in need of assistance. Like, she is on her way to being an acceptable member of my B list if she could get a body to match, but I could just never look up too see a set of abs like that and not choke on my own vomit.

So I think I’ll try and post one of these every once in a while and let you decide, are these fitness chicks sexy or scary? Do you make her turn around, or do you turn and run? Do you feed her fresh fruit off the vine, or do you check for an Adam’s apple? Does she give you head, or does she give you a spot? Hammer her, or Hammer Curls? Deep throat, or deep squats? Bent over a table, or bent-over rows?

You get the point.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

For most guys, having a body like Dorian Yates did in 1985 is a dream. If you could walk around looking like that all the time, you would never wear a shirt and nobody would care that you didn’t. I mean, I am a meathead. We are all meatheads, but how many of us, guys and girls, can honestly say they find the 1995 Yates more desirable?… Unless you are a Mr. Olympia judge (Yates is a 6-time Mr. Olympia winner).

My question is, what switch has to go off in your brain to make you go from 1985 Yates, to 1995 Yates? What level of insane do you have to be to not stop lifting until you have triceps that could be mistaken for some small Mediterranean countries? What “supplements” do you have to take to get a bicep vein that looks like a crazy straw? How much do you have to eat to be 5’ 10”, 270lbs? Can somebody please explain to me what is physically happening inside his body to make his stomach that much bigger, without him gaining any body fat? And I am pretty fucking sure that somewhere in that decade, Dorian invented a new kind of shoulder muscle.

HGH is a hell of a hormone.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Dear Tony,

As a college student, I recently have been noticing an increasingly large amount of people in my weight room using bounce plates for their deadlifts. Apparently these people are doing this to cut down on noise when performing the lift. What’s your opinion on this? I feel it is completely contradictory to the idea of lifting in college. Personally I believe ones goal should be to go in, rack the gym, and bring as much attention to yourself. Loud deadlifting and hard grunts should be expected and encouraged. why do you think someone would go out of their way to not bring attention the themselves in the gym?

Keep up the great work!

-Ogre [Temple University]

Spot on Ogre. Spot on. When you go into the gym, you rack it, and you let people know you are racking it. Bounce plates are fine in my book, just make sure you test their bounce. If you are deadlifting, always - ALWAYS drop the bar on your last set. If you can, give it a good downward shove to make it really pop off. Do not go quietly.

YOU HEAR ME TEMPLE UNIVERSITY MEATHEADS? Sack the fuck up, and make some noise. When the football team comes into the weight room, do they put on sleeves and fruity little finger shoes and tip toe down to the squat racks before whispering words of encouragement at their teammates doing bosu ball balance exercises? NO THEY FUCKING DO NOT. They wear no sleeves, or if they are wearing sleeves, it is cause they are spray painted on Under Armor. They do not wear ditsy little barefoot shoes. When they enter the gym, they are getting hyphy with it - shouting and punching walls and shit. And when they deadlift, they put on all the fucking plates, pick up the bar, slam it down, and repeat until everybody in the gym is staring is respectful awe. The football team does not have to be the biggest bunch of meatheads at your, or any, school, YOU can be the biggest meathead at your school. Each and every one of you.

So rip your sleeves off, drop your weights, grunt, and set off every lunk alarm you can. You got that shit Temple?

Tony. Out.

"It blows me away every time I walk into a nice home and meet its proud, overweight, out-of-shape owner. They just don’t get it. Your real home is not your apartment or your house or your city or even your country, but your body. It is the only thing you, your soul and your mind, will always live inside of so long as you walk the earth. It is the single most important physical thing in this world you can take care of."

-Mark Lauren

This quote is a little touchy-feely for this blog, but fuck it - I liked it. Probably because it makes me feel good about being poor, but having diesel triceps. You have to justify blowing whole paychecks on supplements somehow right?

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

You tell ‘em treadmill! Or is it saying you should slow down if you are running in a kilt? I can’t tell. Either way, this is why I don’t run. Goddamn treadmills always make me feel like a bitch for limping along at a 6.2 for a 3/4ths of a mile.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Remember how our youngest TwoScooper was born recently? Obviously we sent the parents the perfect gift for their newborn, the Buff Baby Rattle that is a dumbbell. Got to get that little midget started early.

I should be a baby shower party planner that gift is so fucking perfect. Anyway, the kid’s been going at that thing like it was a Shake Weight and it is paying off, the kid deadlifts 285 now:

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

This guy is doing it right:

Is this what you were looking for?

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Where are you guys? I can’t see anything my eyes are bleeding so badly. I am so confused I don’t know what to do with myself. Like, should I have a boner? Her body says “Yes,” but her face says “I’m a gargoyle.” Should I be horny or horrified? Should I take a shower? What would happen if that chick cornered you at a party and said, “we are going to fuck now.” Can you even say no? I don’t think you can. I think she just has her way with you and there is nothing you can do about it. She is like a real life Xenia Onatopp, except for the part where her face looks kinda like a dude’s. And when you are banging, she is most definitely behind on top of you and you can probably smell the testosterone overpowering her Old Spice. I feel like I just found out that Einhorn is a man.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Sports Grid - A man in upstate New York was tased to death by local police after going on an early morning tour of destruction in a local Gold’s Gym. Cops are currently investigating to see if performance enhancing drugs played a role in his meltdown.

Brothers, who is 6-1, 230 pounds, and described as extremely muscular, “fell or jumped off” an elliptical machine, went over to a treadmill where another guy was working out, increased the speed of the machine and punched the guy in the face, started pushing over machines that weighed over 700 pounds, destroyed a display case, threw (threw) two 45-pound dumbbells, left the building, came back, left the building again, then came back again and started ripping computers out of the wall and toppling filing cabinets in the gym’s office.

It was at this point that a female police officer arrived at the scene and ordered him to stand down. Brothers responded by throwing boxes at her, at which point she was forced to tase him in the chest and upper leg. This brought him down, but as the officer was handcuffing him, he stood up… with her on his back.

[Brothers] grabbed the Taser from the officer and appeared to shock himself, Heider said. Two other officers arrived and both used Tasers against Brothers. Heider estimated that Brothers was shocked four to five times at three to five seconds each time. One officer also struck him on the shoulder with a collapsible baton.

“This was a whirlwind of a battle in a confined space,” Heider said. He estimated it lasted less than two minutes.

The three officers (and a few helpful gym patrons) finally subdued Brothers, using two sets of handcuffs because of his size.

Imagine being that female officer who arrived first on the scene. She walks into a weight room to find some enormous dude flipping over ellipticals and chucking 45lb dumbbells across the room. He THREW 45’s across the room. I’ll curl 45ers, maybe I could shot-put them a few yards, but “threw” is not really a word that could describe what can be done to 45 lb dumbbells.

And then this lady cop comes in and tases him in the dick and probably starts thinking to herself, “job well done”, as she slaps some cuffs on him. NOPE. The dude goes Bruce Banner on that bitch. He stands up (with the officer still on his back) steals the cops taser and FUCKING TASES HIMSELF. What fucking steroids was he on? Not to be insensitive but I can’t wait to see what his autopsy turns up. I need to replicate his stack. Ill have what he’s having please, and my money is on PCP.

And next time anybody decides to go on a roid rampage, do it in a Planet Fitness.

Oh shit! I’m all amped up! “Can’t wait to do Chest & Triceps tomarraw.” Yeah boyee! I want to get swoll like Tookie! Time to hit the free weight ni… err, wait… who is Tookie? Let me Google this foo:

Continue searching…

Continue interneting to find:

Tookie Williams

AKA Stanley Williams III

Born: 29-Dec-1953
Birthplace: New Orleans, LA [1]
Died: 13-Dec-2005
Location of death: San Quentin, CA
Cause of death: Execution
Remains: Cremated, (ashes scattered in South Africa)

Gender: Male
Race or Ethnicity: Black
Sexual orientation: Straight
Occupation: Criminal

Nationality: United States
Executive summary: Co-Founder, West Side Crips

Received the President’s Call to Service Award on death row in 2005.

The dude was the motherfuckin’ founder of the Crips, and was convicted on four counts murder and sent to Death Row. Shit, I am in over my head. My question is, what were they feeding the inmates in San Quentin that got this dude so big?

"PCP also gave Williams freakish strength and he used the drug as a sort of performance enhancer or steroid in order to lift heavier weights when working out.” (Source)

Hmmm, maybe I’ll just stick to Arnold as my role model, at least he only took legal steroids… ಠ_ಠ

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli