Two Scoops. Get Huge.

A little muscle on a girl is sexy. However, throw a little HGH and testosterone into the mix, and you might find yourself in a staredown with this… girl?

If I were to run into this WomanMan ManCreature at the gym or at the bar, I am going to see A LOT of red flags going up almost immediately.

First of all, this broad is actually broad, as in she is quite literally, a wide person.

Even if you really committed to drowning away the look of her delts and lower-lip/upper-chin piercing with an entire bottle of Patrón, the giant spider tattoo above her cooch should be enough to make you run into the bathroom, lock yourself in a stall, and weep for your masculinity.

Remember ladies, the ultimate goal is to attract a man, not become one.

-Tony “Too Much of a Good Thing” Muscoli

Wolverine came out this past weekend grossing $86.1 Million worldwide. You would think that Hugh Jackman would be taking a break after preparing for that role, until he posted this on Twitter a few hours ago:

Looks like Hugh has been sipping on that Two Scoops sauce. Once he got all cut up for Wolverine, he started digging his new shred and wants to keep that pump on.

Stay huge Hugh, stay huge.

"If the bar ain’t bendin, then you’re just pretendin."

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

P.S. Hugh, I would suggest pulling your shorts down during photo opps until you can add some mass to those puppies.

The flag has been flying at half mast in the internet fitness world. The renowned YouTube fitness guru Scooby1961 posted his last video last week:

For those curious, Scooby was the unwilling victim of “doxing.”

Doxing is a technique used to gather information about an individual on the internet. Users on the website 4chan gathered Scooby’s personal information - his name, phone number, and home address - and posted it online. As it was done maliciously, Scooby felt that the safety of his family was put at stake, and decided to discontinue his YouTube channel, turn off his social media, and move residences.

The man built his home with his bare hands, and was forced to move because some sad assholes, hiding behind their keyboards, were jealous of his incredible pecs.

The Scooby We Know and Love

Maybe you know Scooby from my website. Scooby and I once debated the applications of marijuana to bodybuilding. And by debated, I mean I wrote a post in response to one of his videos. Scooby never replied, as he was far too busy being famous to respond to a blogger with 7 followers.

Maybe you know Scooby from his formidable chest, which is incredible for a guy his age and, when viewed from the right angle, looks a girl’s ass:

Perhaps you know him from his noble quest to make fedoras and bucket hats fashionable again:

But most of you know Scooby from his comfortingly genuine, and genuinely helpful YouTube videos.

As with any public figure, Scooby had his share of ridicule. He was accused of taking steroids, and of being gay (neither of which are bad things, but haters gone hate). Hell, I have even jabbed at his sometimes goofy demeanor. But none of that mattered to Scooby, because he knew that for all of the insults he received, he was still helping 10x as many people transform themselves into better people.

No matter your opinions on Scooby, his videos were helpful, well-intentioned, and provided sound advice for bodybuilders of all skill levels.

I can only dream of one day attaining the kind of bodybuilding fame that Scooby achieved (over 185 million views on his YouTube channel). The kind of fame that makes people threaten your family? That is a dream worth writing for.

Scooby1961’s videos and enthusiasm for bodybuilding will be sorely missed.

-Tony “Two Gun Salute for Scooby” Muscoli

P.S. Scooby, if you are reading this, and you need some buff dudes to stand outside your home and fight off the swolehating neckbeards of 4chan, Two Scoopers will answer the call. Swoldiers in arms.

I asked a guy for a spot yesterday on Incline Bench Press. He was awkward about it so I said to myself, “fuck it, go HAM. I don’t need a spotter.”

I’m coming up slow on my 6th rep, the guy sees this, and instead of running around behind the bench to grab the middle of the barbell, he comes up alongside the bench and starts lifting the right end of my barbell, tilting the 225lb bar to a 45º angle. This is awkward, I wouldn’t recommend it.

I told him “I got it,” straightened the bar out and finished my set. That is the last time I ever ask a guy wearing sleeves for a spot.

The fact that it he was wearing a “No Doubt” T-shirt should have been a dead giveaway. Nobody to blame but myself on that one.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

If this guy’s biceps were as big as his balls, I would hire him IMMEDIATELY!

"You lift bro? You looking that skinnylicious, the girl is bigger than you."

A) That girl was hot.
B) “You looking that skinnylicious” is my new favorite insult.

This right here was perhaps the greatest exchange in prank show history:

Black Guy: “185 of what? What you wanna do with it?”
VitalyzdTV: “Press.”
BG: “How many time you wanna do it?”
VitalyzdTV: “Five.”
BG: “Daz it? I was expecting a number somewhere around, 30. You see, I play college football, I’m trying to go to The League, I put up 225 at least fifteen times right now. Whajoowannado?”
VitalyzdTV: “…Let’s go.”
BG: “Bye fellas! I’m goin to go make some money.”

When it came down to it, this NFL hopeful wasn’t about to get called out. The Iron does not lie, and this guy knows it. Future Combine Hopeful went straight to the ultimate test of strength: A Bench-Off.

225 for max reps is the only way. You can cheat on a Push-Up Contest. Arm Wrestling is manly as all hell, but it involves strategy. A Bench-Off is pure, brute strength. Lockout. Bar to chest. Lockout. No questionable outcomes with a Bench-Off, no Russian judges here. Plus, 185lbs for 5 reps just shows that VitalyzdTV doesn’t actually lift himself.

Good for you sir for calling this prankster out. I hope you make it to The League.

My favorite reaction was this guy:

VitalyzdTV: ”Do you lift?”
Black Tank Top: “Yea Bro.”
VitalyzdTV: “Ohzzz, zzmall muscles.”
Black TankTop: “Yeaaaah bro.”

Black Tank Top wasn’t phased. He knows he ain’t small. I like that confidence. Two Scoops status right thur.

-Tony “Yea, I Lift” Muscoli

This is Russian bodybuilder Alexey Lesukov:

And this is Russian bodybuilder Alexey Lesukov on his way to the gym:

The Gains Gremlins don’t stand a chance when Alexey is riding his Segway.

Notice the complete lack of cardiovascular exercise. This is why Lesukov is a pro and you are not; his commitment to the anti-cardio is unparallelled.

The Gains are strong in this one.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

"The only way to confuse your muscles, is to go to the gym, and not hit chest or bis."

What is this bullshit? This bullshit is EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder, and I hate it.

1. Packaging
The marketing jargon on the front of this tub makes me want to punch somebody at EAS in the face:

“GET LEAN & TONED.” Oh really? The only thing 15 grams of protein is going to do is get you mean and hungry for more protein. This is clearly marketed towards women and I feel bad that more women don’t read this site so they can understand the dangers of the phrase “Lean & Toned.”

2. Nutrition Facts

Seriously EAS? You are seriously going to make the serving size two scoops and only put 15 g’s of protein in it? Might as well make it soy protein while you are at it.

3. Smell
Don’t know, because I have not, nor will I ever, buy this product.

4. Scoop
You know what I am going to say here. A single scoops of this catshit has only 7.5 grams of protein in it. By comparison, ON Whey Gold Standard has 24 grams of protein.

Lean 15 has the tiny dick of the protein scoop world.

This scoop size is ABYSMAL. To call a serving size “2 scoops” is a complete degradation of everything we are trying to build here. I should sue EAS for slandering the great Two Scoops name. I shouldn’t even complete this review, but I will out of spite.

5. Taste
Don’t know, because I have not, nor will I ever, buy this product.

6. Energy & Pump
Nonexistent.

7. Hangover
This isn’t a preworkout, so this evaluation category would normally be irrelevant, but I have included it because it is worth noting the moral hangover one would acquire after purchasing this flaccid excuse for a protein supplement.

8. Price
1.7 lbs of this shit retails for about $24. But it doesn’t matter because you should never buy this unless you don’t have any pride or self-respect.

"But what if the price-per-gram of protein is actually cost effective Tony?" you ask. Guess what, it isn’t. With about 25 servings of 15 grams of protein, this tub sells its protein at around $0.064/gram. By comparison, ON Whey Gold Standard is around $0.027/gram of protein. That is a 237% markup.

Final Verdict: EAS Lean 15 Protein Powder is shit. Save your money and your dignity.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

I don’t get it. This nice man in the tank top is concerned about the quality of his fellow gym goers workout, and this scrawny tightass can’t even respond coherently.

What is so hard to understand about this bro’s question?
DID YOU, OR DID NOT YOU, GET YOUR BURN ON you pastey little cardio turd?

I hate Planet Fitness so much. These commercials dehumanize meatheads to the point where I can’t throw up the Front Double Biceps salute to a random stranger in a park without fear of ridicule.

The United States of Freedom made great strides for human rights when the Supreme Court struck down DOMA. But we need to take it one step further, and gain support for a new DOMA (Defense of Meatheads Act), which you can be sure Planet Fitness will fight every step of the way.

Time to get your burn on bros.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli