Two Scoops. Get Huge.

I am almost in tears at how perfect this T-shirt is for me.

I’M NOT REAL SMART
BUT I CAN LIFT HEAVY THINGS

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Reader Email:

Hey Tony, thought you might be interested in this…

-Colin

Why yes, I am interested in participating in this study. Here is the email I sent with my brief summary of how Tony Muscoli is living a bodybuilding lifestyle.

Dear Bodybuilders for Lifestyle Research,

I saw your ad on Craigslist. My name is Tony Muscoli. I am huge. Here is why:

Tony Muscoli’s Bodybuilding Lifestyle

Morning:
When the alarm clock sounds, I don’t hit the snooze button, I hit the “obliterate” setting on my blender (I keep my blender by my bed). This turns the milk, ice, and two scoops of whey protein powder that I put into the blender the night before into, what I like to call, a “protein shake.” Then I take it to the face.

Then I drop and do 100 push ups. Mind you, the alarm clock is blasting this whole time. My roommates love me.

Then I go to work. Once at work I consume 2 cups of oatmeal mixed with a spoonful of peanut butter and a dusting of protein powder.

Day:
I have a desk job, which means I can spend the vast majority of my day snacking on raw almonds and protein bars, browsing bodybuilding forums, and working on my bodybuilding website, www.twoscoopsgethuge.com.

For lunch I make a sandwich with a side of cottage cheese. My sandwich is as follows:

1. Slice of Double Protein Bread.
2. 1/2 pound of turkey breast.
3. Slice of Cheese.
4. Tomato (whole)
5. Avocado (whole. Don’t peel off the skin. I heard it has nutrients)
6. Mustard (mayo is for fat asses)
7. Spinach (don’t tell people I eat vegetables -vegetables are gay and it would ruin my street cred)
8. Double Protein Bread.
9. I fucking love protein.

At about 2:00pm I have another lunch.

At 3:30pm I take two scoops of a pre-workout drink. Once I start yelling violently at my coworkers about how I can out-bench Excel, I know the stimulants have kicked in and I duck out of work about an hour early to hit the weights.

At the gym I will lift heavy ass weights for about hour. Cardio doesn’t happen. Period. I don’t do it.

Night:
Post-gym I take two scoops of Whey Protein, 12oz of Milk, a banana, a scoop of peanut butter, 2 scoops of plain greek yogurt, and a scoop of BCAAs and blend the fuck out of it. Then I pour a 5g scoop of creatine into my mouth, followed by a multi-vitamin and fish oil pills, and wash it all down with my massif protein shake. Now I am huge.

Dinner time. Usually, I will grill 10lbs of chicken on Sunday night, put it tupperware containers with some brown rice, and eat that shit EVERY NIGHT. It is boring as fuck, but it is the price you have to pay to be able to go to the beach and have chicks start fingering themselves as you walk by.

Bedtime:
I conclude my evenings by getting stoned as fuck (alcohol is bad for muscles) and banging my smoking hot girlfriend. When I am done, I tell her to swallow my “protein shake,” then go make me one. Two scoops of Casein in whole milk. She knows the drill. Then I take said protein shake to the face, and pass the fuck out.

If you don’t think that is a bodybuilding lifestyle, then you aren’t good at your jobs.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

The classic meathead will always have Pantera, Godsmack, and Korn blasting in their headphones. However, a new age of music is upon us, and a new breed of meathead culture has permeated pop culture. The “beating the beat up” of the famed Jersey Shore meathead, along with the recent explosion of DJ culture into the mainstream has made techno, house, and electronic music an acceptable motivational tool.

Plus, this shit is in your personal headphones, nobody else can hear it anyway. Play Lady Gaga for all I care. Just know that if I ever stand too close to you and can hear you listening to Lady Gaga, I will sack tap you with a 25lb dumbbell.

Now, Electro isn’t for everybody, and if it doesn’t tickle your balls, fine. I’ll get to your genre eventually. That being said, I have found an Electro mix that will get you hard for 30 minutes straight. No need to shuffle through songs to find the right one to help you through your max set of bench, just pure bump for 30 minutes:

J Flash – Flashbang 002 | Direct Download

Oh shit, I think you just hit a new PR.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

MSNBC - Manohar Aich, Mr. Universe 1952, turned 100 years old this past weekend.

100 years is a long fucking time, and I imagine you have nowhere to go but down after you win Mr. Universe, so kickin’ it for another 60 years after you have hit your peak means you have to have a damn good attitude. The 4’11” bodybuilder says that the secret to a long life is not taking things too seriously… and how could you, when you are 4’11”?

We here at Two Scoops take things very seriously though, you have to in order to be a good meathead. We live demanding lives, creatine and Dbol take their toll, there are chickens to cook, pecs to blast, and babes to smash - some of us even have real jobs on top of all that. That is why I respect the hell out of this guy.

Manohar outlived Jack LaLanne, the man who “preached fitness before fitness was cool.” So I know what you are thinking, what supplements was this dude on?

Aich said the key to longevity, for him, has been a simple diet of milk, fruits and vegetables, along with rice, lentils, and fish, the Associated Press reported. He refuses alcohol and tobacco. Wait, wait, wait, wait… what?

Are you telling me this dude takes no crazy geezer steroids? No Alzeimers Anabolics? No post-humous post-workouts? Not even a fucking bottle of Ensure?! God damn it.

The asshole doesn’t even drink. What is the point of getting ripped if you don’t go to the bar, get hammered, and lift your shirt up to show off your six-pack to girls? Fucking Manohar, i’m liking this guy less and less. He is making us all look bad.

Well, at least we have something in common: He told the Associated Press that among his regrets in life, he never met our hero - Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I like the incredible stunts he did in the movies," Aich said.

Amen sister.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

P.S. The guy was nicknamed “Pocket Hercules.” I tried, but I couldn’t think of a better backhanded compliment.

GET AFTER IT YOU LITTLE MIDGET!

We have all been there…

This is an actual picture of my actual bicep veins:

Bitches love vascularity.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Hey Branch, looking pretty small there ma… HA! I can’t even finish typing that sentence. Dude is fucking huge. He excretes massiveness. And this past weekend he won the Arnold Classic for the second year in a row.

That was a fucking sweet posing routine too… The move where he shakes out his injured quad, flexes, and slaps it, while LL Cool J raps in the background, “Don’t call it a comeback!…” That is some BOSS MAN SHIT.

They don’t call him Quadrasaurus Pecs for nothing. That is how you defend a title: stomp out on stage to Rocky, and show that even with a leg injury, you are still the champ.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

This is a TERRIBLE idea. I can’t stress this enough. I am all for inventing or improvising new exercises at the gym in order to get people to notice how strong and athletic you are, the Clap Pull-up and Decline Air-Fuck Sit Up are good examples of this, but this Reverse Deadlift looks to be about the stupidest fucking thing I can imagine. Actually, I lied, I could never have imagined something this stupid. Don’t get me wrong, on paper I am legally a Stupid, but it takes a special kind of retard to think up, and then perform, the Reverse Deadlift.

Just watching this video, I simultaneously dislocated my shoulder, tore my labrum, blew out my hip flexor, strained an abdominal muscle, and tore my ACL, MCL, PCL, and every other CL, in both my knees… then I pissed myself.

This skinny asshole doesn’t even look cool doing this exercise. This guy should immediately remove the Reverse Deadlift from his routine, and if he can go back in time and NOT do this exercise, he should do that.

I might have just saved his life.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli