Two Scoops. Get Huge.

You just watched Chen Wei-Ling of Taiwan squat 375 lbs. She competes in the 48 kg weight class, and weighs 46 kgs at the time of this video (101 lbs).

Is this fucked up? Does watching a girl squat more than you make you question your manhood? Does watching a person of any gender and weight squat 3.75x their body weight make you question your place in this world?

Personally, watching this video induced a sensation in my groin region equivocal to lowering my scrotum into an ice bath. The rate at which my testicles ascended into my body while watching this video was unprecedented. The speed at which the shrinkage took place was fascinating really, a scientific marvel.

Science would have you believe that during the phenomena known as “shrinkage,” the skin around the testicles tightens and creates the shrinking effect - the testes themselves do not actually fluctuate in size. However, in this particular instance of Emasculation-Induced Shrinkage, my actual testicles experienced diminution. Usually, each ball is a size comparative to that of a golf ball. After watching this video? Marbles. It is as if the only remaining evidence of my gender was the tiny, flaccid phallus that was left dangling, alone and afraid, above the satchel where my once proud child-care center stood.

I guess today is leg day.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

He took her hand, and looked deep into her eyes, ”Blarg-arg arg TRUST ME, zer arg no mis-steaks when I am Arnold. I am Arnold” and then they had sex.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Go Daddy unveiled its new Superbowl ad to be aired in the second half of the big game on February 2nd. In years past, we have been exposed to Go Daddy commercials featuring Danica Patrick and some blondes getting naked and fingering themselves over a domain name registration website. But this is a far cry from those days of scantily clad domain babes, this year’s Superbowl ad is far better.

Danica Patrick juiced up for this shoot (it’s actually a body suit) whose focal point is a stampede of swole lumbering towards a Spray Tan center. In a word, amazing.

I wonder if these bodybuilders put a stipulation in their contract that they would only do so many takes so that they did not subject themselves to too much cardio. I know Kali Muscle did.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

His disguise is impeccable - I can’t believe somebody even recognized him at all. His jokes are hilarious. He is still huge so people take him seriously. Is there anything Arnold can’t do?

I don’t know if this was suppose to be comedy, but I found myself cringing more often then I laughed chuckled smiled smirked was entertained. I think I only posted this video because it says “Lift Weights” and “Vagina” in the title.

Stick to kegels girls, nobody needs this to become a trend.

-Tony “Cock Pushups” Muscoli

Cosmo posts this:

Facebook gets cranky:

I don’t see what the big deal is. Cosmo called Robyn Lawley “BEYOND… sexy.” That is a pretty big compliment in my book. She is still smoking hot, and she is still a super-model. Not a regular model, a SUPER model. Not her fault supermodels are set to standards that are slightly above that of the average women.

Here is what I see in another photograph from the original shoot:

Yea. You see it too? Backfat. Nothing wrong with a little back fat, other than it is backfat, and no “SUPER” model is going to get away with it. So, Cosmo caveats the pictures by calling her “plus sized.” Sure, she is far fitter and more beautiful than 95% of women, but if we are talking super models, again, keyword: SUPER, then we are going for top 99%. There is nothing wrong with striving for excellence.

It is like differentiating between Amateur and Pro status in professional sports. It is why there are weight classes in Boxing. In amateur boxing, the super heavyweight division is a weight class division for fighters weighing in excess of 91 kilos (200 lbs). You don’t hear any 300lb men complaining about being labeled “super heavyweight.” It is just what comes with the territory. You have to have weight classes in order to have a balanced fight and establish order.

If Robyn Lawley wanted to drop down a weight class into the supermodel division, she just needs to tighten up her macros and increase her training intensity. She sheds the backfat, and now she is fighting in the even more competitive supermodel division. But maybe she likes it up in the plus sized supermodel division. She is killing it there - saying “fuck you” to photoshop and forty minutes of cardio a day and rocking the plus sized weight class like a true champion.

I’m with you girl. Plus sized is where it is at. Come join us over at Two Scoops, we are all trying to add size too - it is the winter bulking season, you’ll fit right in.

Plus Sized Supermodel:

Supermodel:

Tell me there isn’t a difference and I’ll eat all of my words, all of them. (I was going to eat them anyway, it is bulking season.)

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Sorry babe, you ain’t gun git you a muscled man when you got more rolls than Bertucci’s. I’d rather be gay than be with that creature too - at least a fit gay guy would know how to cook me my chicken: with a tablespoon of olive oil, salt and pepper, not breaded in ground Cheetos and marinated in bacon fat.

Actually, Bacon Fat Cheetos Chicken sounds fucking amazing… Maybe if the fat chick was grinding up on me on my cheat day.

-Tony “Not TOO Fat” Muscoli

lol

Back in the summer of 2013, the FDA banned the use of the stimulant DMAA. From the FDA website:

FDA.gov - DMAA (1,3-dimethylamylamine) is an amphetamine derivative that has been widely used in sports supplements sold in the United States. Also known as methylhexanamine or geranium extract, DMAA is often touted as a “natural” stimulant, with many claimed functional uses including a body-building aid, an athletic performance enhancer, and a weight-loss aid. Although DMAA at one time was approved as a drug for nasal decongestion, no medical use of DMAA is recognized today. FDA is not aware of any reliable science indicating that DMAA exists naturally in plants.

DMAA-containing dietary supplements are illegal and their marketing violates the law. Based on the scientific information reviewed by FDA, DMAA is not a dietary ingredient.

DMAA was a popular ingredient in preworkout supplements like Jack3d and Muscle Marinade. Since the ban, supplement retailers have been emptying their inventories of the now illegal supplements, while supplement companies have been reworking their preworkout formulas, without DMAA.

As the tubs of the final remaining DMAA products lingered on shelves and in online stores, eBay became the last true stanchion for purchasing illegal, DMAA-containing preworkouts. While most supplements seemed to have simply been replaced by their “New Forumlas!,” one preworkout has taken the old econ adage of “supply and demand” to a whole new level. I present to you, the $1,000 tub of Muscle Marinade:

Fucked, right? At these prices a single scoop of Muscle Marinade would cost $38. Apparently, egregious eBay users have decided that they want to try their hand at drug dealing. Hey, if you are going to sell an illegal drug, you might as well charge illegal drug prices.

At $76 for a two scoops serving, MM fanatics will have to decide between snorting their Muscle Marinade, or drinking a gram of cocaine. Why not just buttchug a mixture of both and stomp around the weight room like a monster? Your stimulant fueled rage at how much you paid for your preworkout will boost your bench by 10%, guaranteed. THINK OF THE GAINS!

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli