Two Scoops. Get Huge.

I have been prodded into addressing the myth of overtraining under the duress of numerous requests from whiny bitches.

Whiny bitch is overtraining.

What is Overtraining?

First, what is overtraining? Is it a word? Is it two words trying to disguise themselves as one? Is there even such a thing as overtraining, or is there only underrecovering?
…Under recovering?
…Under-recovering?
Which the fuck is it? We may never know.

I, personally, am physically incapable of overtraining because I take creatine. Ergo, overtraining does not exist, but nonetheless, people complain about it as if overtraining is a real thing.

It is fairly simple: as long as you eat enough (Russian Bear 5000 on the reg), get proper sleep (or supplement your sleep with heavy stimulants), and leave a muscle group enough time to recover (or lift through the DOMS like a man), you will not find yourself the victim of overtraining. Also, roids. Definitely roids.

Remember this:
Train hard. Eat big. Rest up. Get huge. End of story.

You can shorten it to “HARD, BIG, UP, and HUGE" if you like innuendo.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

wheyhuge:

G SHIT SON.

At first, I wanted to tear this guy a new one for being such a tool. This is clearly a white kid, talking about “G" shit, and it is embarrassing. I’m not saying I wanted to hit him with some new-age, internet cyber-bullying either. I am saying I had the urge to bully him the old fashioned way.

I wanted to give this “G" a Noogie, a Texas Titty Twister, a Wet Willy, a Purple Nurple, and a Tennessee Taint Tap. Then I wanted to hold him upside down by his ankles to shake out his lunch money while calling him names like “Prison Barber," and “Nearsighted Gynecologist."

But I stopped myself. I realized that, as toolish as posting this picture and saying “G shit" is, I do a lot of the same shit:
I curl 40lb dumbbells.
I take creatine.
I save old scoops and empty supplement bottles.
I think guns are badass.
I think Scooby is cool dude.

This brings me to my next point: the guy on the monitor wearing the fedora is Scooby1961. He posts YouTube videos about bodybuilding. He is old, he wears fedoras, and in this video about him not liking weed, he wears a bucket hat. Bucket hats and preaching the evils of weed are NOT “G shit" by any definition - sorry. Instead of bullying this kid, I am going to offer him some assistance:

How to Edit This Picture So It Is “G Shit," Son

1. Replace the picture of Scooby1961 with a picture of Tookie Williams.
2. Place a lighter next to the spoon of creatine.
3. Put spinners on your dumbbell.
4. Hide an eight ball in the picture somewhere.
5. Candy paint your Glock.
6. Fan out a few hundred dollar bills on the table.
7. Be less white.

.

-Tony “Too Gangsta" Muscoli

This picture has been floating around Tumblr fitness blogs recently, so I took the liberty of fixing it. Tony saves the internet, again.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Reader Email:

Hey Tony, thought you might be interested in this…

-Colin

Why yes, I am interested in participating in this study. Here is the email I sent with my brief summary of how Tony Muscoli is living a bodybuilding lifestyle.

Dear Bodybuilders for Lifestyle Research,

I saw your ad on Craigslist. My name is Tony Muscoli. I am huge. Here is why:

Tony Muscoli’s Bodybuilding Lifestyle

Morning:
When the alarm clock sounds, I don’t hit the snooze button, I hit the “obliterate" setting on my blender (I keep my blender by my bed). This turns the milk, ice, and two scoops of whey protein powder that I put into the blender the night before into, what I like to call, a “protein shake." Then I take it to the face.

Then I drop and do 100 push ups. Mind you, the alarm clock is blasting this whole time. My roommates love me.

Then I go to work. Once at work I consume 2 cups of oatmeal mixed with a spoonful of peanut butter and a dusting of protein powder.

Day:
I have a desk job, which means I can spend the vast majority of my day snacking on raw almonds and protein bars, browsing bodybuilding forums, and working on my bodybuilding website, www.twoscoopsgethuge.com.

For lunch I make a sandwich with a side of cottage cheese. My sandwich is as follows:

1. Slice of Double Protein Bread.
2. 1/2 pound of turkey breast.
3. Slice of Cheese.
4. Tomato (whole)
5. Avocado (whole. Don’t peel off the skin. I heard it has nutrients)
6. Mustard (mayo is for fat asses)
7. Spinach (don’t tell people I eat vegetables -vegetables are gay and it would ruin my street cred)
8. Double Protein Bread.
9. I fucking love protein.

At about 2:00pm I have another lunch.

At 3:30pm I take two scoops of a pre-workout drink. Once I start yelling violently at my coworkers about how I can out-bench Excel, I know the stimulants have kicked in and I duck out of work about an hour early to hit the weights.

At the gym I will lift heavy ass weights for about hour. Cardio doesn’t happen. Period. I don’t do it.

Night:
Post-gym I take two scoops of Whey Protein, 12oz of Milk, a banana, a scoop of peanut butter, 2 scoops of plain greek yogurt, and a scoop of BCAAs and blend the fuck out of it. Then I pour a 5g scoop of creatine into my mouth, followed by a multi-vitamin and fish oil pills, and wash it all down with my massif protein shake. Now I am huge.

Dinner time. Usually, I will grill 10lbs of chicken on Sunday night, put it tupperware containers with some brown rice, and eat that shit EVERY NIGHT. It is boring as fuck, but it is the price you have to pay to be able to go to the beach and have chicks start fingering themselves as you walk by.

Bedtime:
I conclude my evenings by getting stoned as fuck (alcohol is bad for muscles) and banging my smoking hot girlfriend. When I am done, I tell her to swallow my “protein shake," then go make me one. Two scoops of Casein in whole milk. She knows the drill. Then I take said protein shake to the face, and pass the fuck out.

If you don’t think that is a bodybuilding lifestyle, then you aren’t good at your jobs.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Wikipedia - A placebo-controlled double-blind experiment found that a group of subjects (composed of vegetarians and vegans) who took 5 grams of creatine per day for six weeks showed a significant improvement on two separate tests of fluid intelligence, Raven’s Progressive Matrices, and the backward digit span test from the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale. The treatment group was able to repeat longer sequences of numbers from memory and had higher overall IQ scores than the control group. The researchers concluded that “supplementation with creatine significantly increased intelligence compared with placebo."

You are fuckin’ right creatine makes you smarter. I’ve been saying it for as long as I can remember, meatheads aren’t stupid. Here is your proof. Hell, I am going to go “get smart" right now. And by “get smart" I mean “take creatine," and by “take creatine" I mean “take creatine and go study," and by “take creatine and go study" I mean “take creatine and go to the gym to absolutely massacre my pectorals".

I feel smarter already.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli