Two Scoops. Get Huge.

wheyhuge:

G SHIT SON.

At first, I wanted to tear this guy a new one for being such a tool. This is clearly a white kid, talking about “G" shit, and it is embarrassing. I’m not saying I wanted to hit him with some new-age, internet cyber-bullying either. I am saying I had the urge to bully him the old fashioned way.

I wanted to give this “G" a Noogie, a Texas Titty Twister, a Wet Willy, a Purple Nurple, and a Tennessee Taint Tap. Then I wanted to hold him upside down by his ankles to shake out his lunch money while calling him names like “Prison Barber," and “Nearsighted Gynecologist."

But I stopped myself. I realized that, as toolish as posting this picture and saying “G shit" is, I do a lot of the same shit:
I curl 40lb dumbbells.
I take creatine.
I save old scoops and empty supplement bottles.
I think guns are badass.
I think Scooby is cool dude.

This brings me to my next point: the guy on the monitor wearing the fedora is Scooby1961. He posts YouTube videos about bodybuilding. He is old, he wears fedoras, and in this video about him not liking weed, he wears a bucket hat. Bucket hats and preaching the evils of weed are NOT “G shit" by any definition - sorry. Instead of bullying this kid, I am going to offer him some assistance:

How to Edit This Picture So It Is “G Shit," Son

1. Replace the picture of Scooby1961 with a picture of Tookie Williams.
2. Place a lighter next to the spoon of creatine.
3. Put spinners on your dumbbell.
4. Hide an eight ball in the picture somewhere.
5. Candy paint your Glock.
6. Fan out a few hundred dollar bills on the table.
7. Be less white.

.

-Tony “Too Gangsta" Muscoli

Kroc Rows

Kroc Rows are, in a nutshell, really, REALLY INCREDIFUCKING HEAVY dumbbell rows for high reps, and they are named after powerlifter Matt Kroczaleski.

Matt was performing dumbbell rows for sets of 30 reps, no straps, with 150lb dumbbells, the heaviest dumbbells in his gym. He figured he had reached max level and decided to cut out dumbbell rows from his training to focus on new equipment.

A short while later, while preparing for USA Powerlifting Nationals, he noticed that the bar was slipping from his hands on all his heavy deadlifts. When he added dumbbell rows back into his training, he stopped having that problem.

From then on, Kroczaleski made dumbbell rows a dedicated part of his training regiment, and his quest to find the most ridiculously massif dumbbells ever began.

His quest was to perform 300lb rows for reps. Not suprisingly, one of the biggest challenges was finding dumbbells that heavy. Kroczaleski ended on a pair of 36" long double-threaded bolts that were actually used for anchoring large buildings. Did you read that? “USED FOR ANCHORING LARGE [FUCKING] BUILDINGS." Buildings, not dumbbells, but buildings. They were made from hardened steel and were long enough and strong enough to hold the amount of weight he needed. Matt had his brother, an ironworker, weld some inside collars onto the bolts, and he began working towards his 300lb goal.

He did it:

This, my Two Scooping Friends, is

Actual. Fucking. Beast Mode.

Even the name of the exercise is beastly; “Kroc" sounds prehistoric huge.

Next Back Day, when it is time to do rows, instead of “working on your form" with “slow, unilateral movements," grab the biggest piece of iron in the building, and get Krocing.

I hope this article has inspired you to put on a lion costume next time you do Kroc Rows and check out Matt’s article on T-Nation for the full story of his quest to build the biggest dumbbells known to man.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Shitty picture of wooden handle dumbbells sent from a store in the UK.

Picture of the ridiculous prices of this shit. Don’t worry I’ll translate into ‘merican.

Reader Email:

Dear Tony,

Saw these for sale in the UK. Could you please explain how I might benefit from a weight set with wooden walnut handles and chrome heads? Are they worth the $100 for a 10lbs pair?

-Dan

No. 100% no, this shit is not worth it. I don’t care how fucking swanky your home gym is, dumbbells do not need to, nor should they ever, look like this. When you go to lift weight, you go to “pump iron", “move metal", “sling steel", or even “blast bounce plates" - not “daintily dabble with designer dumbbells." I will stand for none of this pansy, pampered, wooden handle bullshit. What the fuck does that even accomplish? Wooden handles… pssshht. Does that mean you are “pumping wood?" Because that sounds straight.

Where is the grit? The gridiron? The man-ness? The satisfaction of feeling cold steel in the sweat of your palms, the grip’s metal teeth grinding up on your calluses? That is the feeling I look forward to: reaching down and picking up the heaviest fucking weight in the gym and dumbbell rowing that bitch all up in everybody’s grillmix. Do you think a little wooden handle can support 65lbs on either side side of it? No, shit would snap like a twig. You need metal.

Also, £75 for a single set of 5kg dumbbells? At today’s exchange rate, that is $116 US greenbacks for a set of dumbbells that weigh less than the packages of chicken breast I buy. 5kgs? I only use that weight for kegels, and you better believe I am not going to pay $116 for a set of dick dumbbells. If it costs the UK $116 for a single set of midget dumbbells, by the time they are buying up human-sized dumbbells they have to take out a second mortgage. No wonder America is the world superpower.

Who does this John Lewis guy think he is? Where does he get off? I don’t know if any Brits are reading this blog, but if you are, write John Lewis and tell him that if you are trying to make sexy designer items, stick to clothes and cars. Feng Shui and Fashion do not belong in the weight room.

I’m telling you guys, man your battle stations! Assemble the militia! Ride Paul Revere, ride! The British are coming! The British are coming! And they are bringing their pansy-ass workout gear with them.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli