Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Remember the good old days? When Kali Muscle was all about helping other natty bodybuilders, directing traffic, and drinking Hyphy Mud?

Well it looks like Kali might have drank too much Hyphy Mud for his recent video calling out YouTube haters …orwhateverthefuckheistalkingabout:

I fear the old days of Kali Muscle are over. This video just ushered in a new era, the era of Kali “Fully Bi-Polar Beast Tard” Muscle.

I, personally, can’t wait to see what else comes of this new Kali.

- Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Jeff King was an American amateur bodybuilder in the 1980s… fascinating.

You don’t even have to squint, he just looks like the head of a penis.

I don’t like how that dickhead is smiling at me - makes me feel uncomfortable.

Jeff King looks oddly reminiscent of this guy:

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Even Danica Patrick is jacked up in this ad.

Go Daddy unveiled its new Superbowl ad to be aired in the second half of the big game on February 2nd. In years past, we have been exposed to Go Daddy commercials featuring Danica Patrick and some blondes getting naked and fingering themselves over a domain name registration website. But this is a far cry from those days of scantily clad domain babes, this year’s Superbowl ad is far better.

Danica Patrick juiced up for this shoot (it’s actually a body suit) whose focal point is a stampede of swole lumbering towards a Spray Tan center. In a word, amazing.

I wonder if these bodybuilders put a stipulation in their contract that they would only do so many takes so that they did not subject themselves to too much cardio. I know Kali Muscle did.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

Can we PLEASE get these guys together to form the World’s Swolest Dance Crew? Have them monster flex all over the competition on ABDC? I would watch the shit out of that.

-Tony “Two Step” Muscoli

NPR - Research intended to help people with muscle-wasting diseases could be about to launch a new era in performance-enhancing drugs.

The research has produced several muscle-building drugs now being tested in people with medical problems, including muscular dystrophy, cancer and kidney disease. The drugs all work by blocking a substance called myostatin that the body normally produces to keep muscles from getting too big.

It’s likely that at least one of the drugs will receive FDA approval in the next few years, researchers say.

Listen to the NPR broadcast.

This news blows my mind in so many ways. First, there is the news that there is a chemical my body produces that prohibits my muscles from getting too big: Myostatin. Myostatin just made the Top Threats to Two Scoopers list, right up there with cardio and running out of protein.

Top Threats to Two Scoopers:

1. Cardio
2. Myostatin
3. Realizing you are out of Whey protein powder when you go to make your post working-out shake and having to use casein instead
4. Freeballing Bench Press Spotters
5. Stimulant-free thermos
6. Swole-haters
7. Cardio

Then, after finding out about the Gainz Gremlin Myostatin, my mind was subsequently blown again upon learning of the new Myostatin blockers that are on the verge of being approved by the FDA. Take a moment to ponder the implications of this for a moment:

• D-bol and other steroids are all designed to help your body recover more quickly from workouts, repairing tissue so you can work out harder and longer and see your results faster. Yet, Myostatin is still produced by the body in order to inhibit excessive myogensis - the formation of muscular tissue.
• HGH, or Human Growth Hormone, is used for its effects on cell regeneration and reproduction. Yet, Myostatin is still produced by the body in order to inhibit excessive muscle production.

Now, I’m no scientologist, but if Myostatin blockers become available, then what is going to stop excessive growth of muscle tissue? There will be no stopping it. Muscles will be able to grow uninhibited.

Muscles will finally be able to roam freely across the human skeletal system. Free from the oppression and persecution that they have been subjected to under the Totalitarian rule of The Myostatin and its army of Gainz Gremlins.

I say to you, my friends, even though we face the difficulties of The Gainz today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the Meathead dream. I have a dream that one day Two Scoopers will rise up, and live out the true meaning of their creed: “We shall hold these biceps to be self-evident, and that all muscles should be created equally, without the growth differentiation factor Myostatin blocking their way.”

Damn, that was poetic.

-Tony “No Mo Myostatin” Muscoli

Thanks to J. Frozen for the article.

Reader Email:

Jay Cutler is at Gold’s Gym right now. He asked me where the assisted pull-up machine was and I pointed, then screamed like a little girl. Right before that happened, I got this photo to commemorate the occasion. I am going to put this on my resume, “Got Jay Cutler to take a picture with me to send to Two Scoops.”

- James

Brilliant shit James. Fucking brilliant. I think we have learned a few things from this photo.

1. Getting your picture taken with the guy who dethroned Ronnie Coleman will get you posted on Two Scoops 10 times out of 10.
2. Calf socks and tucked in shirts are making a comeback.
3. If your arms fit comfortably into your sleeves, you are doing it wrong.
4. Always Flex. Always! Especially if you know that a picture is being taken, there is no reason to not be flexing in it. None! Just flex, all the time, everywhere you go. Jay Cutler is doing it, you better be damn sure you are too. It’s all in the details. I guess that is why he is 4x Mr. Olympia and we are not.

.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli

This is Erik Fankhouser:

His calves are literally the size of a small child’s head.

Arnold’s Blueprint: ESPN 30 for 30 Short

Grantland - This 10-minute movie focuses on the years before Arnold Schwarzenegger was the “Universe’s Perfect Specimen,” when the young Austrian seized upon an opportunity to use the sport of bodybuilding to catapult himself to international stardom.

This 10-minutes movie focuses on the awesomeness of The Arnold. As a dedicated meathead, I respect, admire, and envy the “do whatever it takes” attitude that Arnold brought with him everywhere. I would like to try and emulate that mindset, but Arnold was on another planet with this shit: In Pumping Iron, he describes ‘not attending his father’s funeral because it was too close to a competition.’

However, it is clear that the directors of Arnold’s Blueprint, The Two Escobars, wanted us to takeaway an important message from this film: Arnold had a motherfucking TANK equipped with DUMBBELLS.

"I have a Tank Gym. You are beneath me."

You can go to the most hardcore fucking underground gym in the world, but it will never be a tank. NEVER. Prove me wrong.

-Tony “Tank Gym” Muscoli

Lou Ferrigno
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 285lbs.

Flavio Baccianini
Height: 4’11”
Weight: 145lbs.

It is funny because he is so small.

This looks like a scene from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory… except less gay.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli