Shitty picture of wooden handle dumbbells sent from a store in the UK.
Picture of the ridiculous prices of this shit. Don’t worry I’ll translate into ‘merican.
Reader Email:
Dear Tony,
Saw these for sale in the UK. Could you please explain how I might benefit from a weight set with wooden walnut handles and chrome heads? Are they worth the $100 for a 10lbs pair?
-Dan
No. 100% no, this shit is not worth it. I don’t care how fucking swanky your home gym is, dumbbells do not need to, nor should they ever, look like this. When you go to lift weight, you go to “pump iron”, “move metal”, “sling steel”, or even “blast bounce plates” - not “daintily dabble with designer dumbbells.” I will stand for none of this pansy, pampered, wooden handle bullshit. What the fuck does that even accomplish? Wooden handles… pssshht. Does that mean you are “pumping wood?” Because that sounds straight.
Where is the grit? The gridiron? The man-ness? The satisfaction of feeling cold steel in the sweat of your palms, the grip’s metal teeth grinding up on your calluses? That is the feeling I look forward to: reaching down and picking up the heaviest fucking weight in the gym and dumbbell rowing that bitch all up in everybody’s grillmix. Do you think a little wooden handle can support 65lbs on either side side of it? No, shit would snap like a twig. You need metal.
Also, £75 for a single set of 5kg dumbbells? At today’s exchange rate, that is $116 US greenbacks for a set of dumbbells that weigh less than the packages of chicken breast I buy. 5kgs? I only use that weight for kegels, and you better believe I am not going to pay $116 for a set of dick dumbbells. If it costs the UK $116 for a single set of midget dumbbells, by the time they are buying up human-sized dumbbells they have to take out a second mortgage. No wonder America is the world superpower.
Who does this John Lewis guy think he is? Where does he get off? I don’t know if any Brits are reading this blog, but if you are, write John Lewis and tell him that if you are trying to make sexy designer items, stick to clothes and cars. Feng Shui and Fashion do not belong in the weight room.
I’m telling you guys, man your battle stations! Assemble the militia! Ride Paul Revere, ride! The British are coming! The British are coming! And they are bringing their pansy-ass workout gear with them.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
