Two Scoops. Get Huge.

I have been prodded into addressing the myth of overtraining under the duress of numerous requests from whiny bitches.

Whiny bitch is overtraining.

What is Overtraining?

First, what is overtraining? Is it a word? Is it two words trying to disguise themselves as one? Is there even such a thing as overtraining, or is there only underrecovering?
…Under recovering?
…Under-recovering?
Which the fuck is it? We may never know.

I, personally, am physically incapable of overtraining because I take creatine. Ergo, overtraining does not exist, but nonetheless, people complain about it as if overtraining is a real thing.

It is fairly simple: as long as you eat enough (Russian Bear 5000 on the reg), get proper sleep (or supplement your sleep with heavy stimulants), and leave a muscle group enough time to recover (or lift through the DOMS like a man), you will not find yourself the victim of overtraining. Also, roids. Definitely roids.

Remember this:
Train hard. Eat big. Rest up. Get huge. End of story.

You can shorten it to “HARD, BIG, UP, and HUGE" if you like innuendo.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Reader Mail:

Hey Tony,

I’ve been following you guys for a little while and this site is by far one of my favorite in the entire internet. I’ve been working out regularly for almost 5 years and I’ve got next to nothing to show for it because I’m an ectomorph. I’ve tried low-rep, high-weight lifting; different supplements; everything. Nothing seems to work. Is there any advice you can give me?

- lachenauer

As a matter of fucking fact lachenauer, there is some advice I can give you. We don’t call this glorious website “Two Scoops Get Huge" for nothing.

First off, let me quickly diagram what an ectomorph is, for those readers who don’t know:

An ectomorph is your typical skinny guy. Ecto’s have a light build with small joints and lean muscle. Usually ectomorph’s have long thin limbs with stringy muscles. Shoulders tend to be thin with little width.

Typical traits of an ectomorph:

• Thin, “delicate” frame and bone structure
• Flat chest
• Small shoulders
• Lean muscle mass
• Finds it hard to gain weight
• Fast metabolism

Now that we have established that you are skinny, it’s time to get you HUGE.

No More Scrawny

What is the major difference in diet between fat people and skinny people? Big people and little people?

FOOD.

Simply put: bigger people eat more food. It makes sense doesn’t it? You need fuel to grow, so if you eat more food, you grow more. Just take a look at The Rock’s cheat meal from last month:

After over 100 days of eating clean, The Rock ate a cheat meal consisting of 12 pancakes, four “double-dough" pizzas, and 21 brownies.

Obviously, The Rock doesn’t eat from this diabetes-inducing menu every day, but it gives you an idea as to the shear volume he consumes.

What to Eat

You can’t just eat 21 brownies a day and expect to get huge. You might get a little flabby, but not HUGE. We are trying to pack on some muscle here, don’t waste your stomach space on empty calories. We want to eat what the body can use: protein, carbs, and fats (take a multi if you want “vitamins").

Most specifically what you need is protein - lots, and lots, of protein. Approximately 1 Metric Dickton of protein a day. Here is your shopping list next time you go to the grocery store/GNC:

1. Whey Protein Powder
2. Casein Protein Powder
3. Chicken
4. Steak
5. Tuna
6. Whole Milk
7. Eggs
8. Greek Yogurt/Cottage Cheese (whichever you prefer)
9. Carbs (rice, pasta, vegetables, etc.)
10. Anabolic Steroids

.

When to Eat

Eat ALL THE TIME. As an Ectomorph, your metabolism is probably chewing through your caloric intake like a wood-chipper being fed kindling. You need to FEED THE BEAST. Here is a schedule for the day:

• Upon Waking: drink a whey protein shake (two scoops in whole milk). You have been sleeping for 8 hours, your body is fasted, it is hungry… feed it.
• All Day: You see that shopping list I made for you? Cook it. Grill up that steak, bake the chicken, hard-boil the eggs, open the cans of tuna, and cook your rice. Season to taste. Then put all those delicious calories into a garbage bag. Hire somebody like a personal trainer, or a call girl, or a midget to follow you around with the garbage bag full of food, and have them shove food into your mouth throughout the day.
  
  I pay this chick $50/hour to shovel calories into my face.
  
  
• Nightime: This is important, you are about to fast for 8 hours while you sleep, so you need to fuel up. Every night when I come home from the gym, I (roughly) follow this grueling evening eating schedule:
• 8:00pm: Whey Protein Shake - two scoops in whole milk, 60g protein.
• 9:00pm: Dinner #1 - Meat, 8oz Steak and maybe a vegetable, 60g protein.
• 10:00pm: Dinner #2 - Meat, 6oz Chicken Breast with rice, 50g protein.
• 10:59pm: Get weeded up on the pot (having the munchies is almost essential to the next phase of consumption).
• 11:00pm: Snacktime - 2lbs Greek Yogurt, 92g protein.
  (Warning: This step is not for beginners! Your stomach asshole will NOT thank you in the morning)
• Right before bed: Casein Protein Shake - Casein is a slow digesting protein, so consuming this right before bed will help you avoid muscle catabolism (breakdown) whilst you rest.

.

Hopefully that gives you an idea for how much you need to be eating every day. Actor Chris Hemsworth is a naturally skinny guy, so when he was bulking up for his roll in Thor, he was eating upwards of 6,000 calories a day.

Before:

After:

Now that we have upped your calories, up the intensity in the gym. We’ll talk about that in:

How to Get Big: From Scrawny to Brawny - Part 2 (coming soon…)

Reader Email:

Hey Tony,

I got a pair of straps with your name on ‘em. Here is a pic for you to J.O. to.

-James G. Guttershot

Everybody knows that Tony “Two Scoops" doesn’t cry, but I think I might be having an emotion right now. I don’t know what the precursor to crying is, because I have never cried, but I think that is what I am feeling right now:

I think this feeling is pride, for I have never been so proud to call myself Tony “Two Scoops" in my entire life. These straps even have American Flags on them! That is massively awesome - mawesome! God Bless America! It would nary surprise me if Ronnie Coleman himself had blessed these glorious tools of hypertrophy. I am sincerely proud of this James G. Guttershot, whomever he may be.

Now that I am done being emotional, my question is, where can I get some of these? Where can the rest of the Two Scoopers get some of these?

How fucking awesome would it be to do deadlifts with straps that said “Get Huge" on them? Then you look to the rack on your left, and there is a guy doing Barbell Rows with “Two Scoops" straps on, and you guys give each other HUGE high fives and everybody in the gym is jealous of how huge and awesome you are. Maybe you throw in a chest bump too? Perhaps even slap dicks together? I don’t judge.

God! Arnold! these straps are awesome.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

This is a sign that appeared in an Army base outside the mess, near the staff offices.
Clearly they take their pens seriously in the Army, but they also regurgitated some important Two Scoops Doctrine (Old Testament shit):

Skinny = Ugly.

If you have learned anything from this blog, it is that being skinny is shit. And if ‘skinny’ is inversely related to ‘huge’, then the Army might also concur with the hypothesis that Huge = Good Looking. So you see, I am not the only one preaching protein here. Now get off of your ass and go lift, because deductive reasoning would conclude that Skinny = ugly.
Ugly = no love
No love = no marriage
No marriage = no children
No children = alone
Alone = depression
Depression = sickness
Sickness = death

Lesson: Don’t be skinny, you will die.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli