Arnold Schwarzenegger posted this on his Facebook page:
Arnold is 66 years old and he is posting memes of himself. I don’t know what is more incredible, that a 66 year old knows what “the Facebook” is, that a 66 year old knows that the internetz like teh memes, or that a 66 year old has better biceps than 95% of the world’s population.
If I have accomplished 1/10th of what Arnold has accomplished by the time I am 66, than I can consider my life a success. So far, I can check “post memes to Facebook” off the list. All I have left is:
Have the best body of all time.
Become a Hollywood A-lister
Marry into money, but already have a lot of money.
Be successful in politics.
Father a child with housekeeper.
Have a housekeeper.
Have a Facebook fan page with over 4.5 million followers (so far I have 1,200).
…
…fuck it. This list might as well be titled: The Unattainable Life of Arnold.
I don’t know about you, but this commercial makes me want a protein shake real bad…
It is a commercial for Taco Bell’s new protein shakes right? Wait, Taco Bell isn’t coming out with new protein shakes? Do they have old protein shakes on the menu? No? Can they blend up some taco meat for me instead? Oh what’s that? Their taco meat is already blended? They put the cows directly into a wood-chipper you say?
What the fuck is going on?! Is this guy black, or is he just really tan? At first you think it is obvious when you see his hand, but then when it goes off screen, his bicep could be a really tan white guy’s bicep. This is so weird.
Oh.. and as for the squishy bicep, it is probably an edema and he should definitely go to the doctor.
Squishy Bicep Syndrome
Not only is Squishy Bicep Syndrome a very serious, and very made up, medical condition, but it can also affect your social life.
No girl wants to wrap her hand around your flacid gumby arm. Your muscles should not look and feel like a Tempurpedic. That ain’t right. Your bicep should feel like it was forged in iron.
Having a squishy bicep is like having a soft dick - it isn’t good, so you work it until it is hard. End of story.
"The Learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his window for hours watching the center, making parents nervous. Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger."
No one will harm these children if they know that Arnold is watching over them. That was a very thoughtful gesture by the people who live across the street.
This also reminds me that I need to find myself a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger… for science. Preferable, I’d have three: one of him as Mr. Olympia, one of Terminator, and one of Arnold as Governor. I’ll also need an avocado, an icepick, and a snorkel. Trust me bro, I’ve gotten huge off of less.
Generation Iron hits theaters on September 20th, 2013 (limited showings).
My first concern is, how far am I obligated to travel in order to see this movie? An initial search shows that they won’t be playing this movie within 40 miles of me. How far do I cast the net? Will I have to cross state lines to see this? Is it morally reprehensible for me to wait for it to come out On Demand?
To be honest, I might have to wait until Generation Iron comes out on DVD anyway, because seeing Phil Heath’s deltoids on a cinema screen could trigger spontaneous emasculation.
How to Attend a Screening of Generation Iron
For those who are able to see Genertion Iron in theaters, the thought may not have even crossed your mind as to the proper way to attend the screening of a film of this nature. DO NOT just assume that you can show up in a pair of designer jeans and an Ed Hardy T-Shirt like any other movie night, you have to come ready to play.
Prepping for the Show
You are going to want to start by prepping your body for the movie. Give yourself at least 4 hours prep time, plus time to commute to the theater.
Shower. Cleanse yourself and then stand in front the mirror flexing while you wait to air dry.
Hair Removal. Buzz all of the hair on your body off. It isn’t necessary to take a razor for this occasion, but it doesn’t hurt to go the extra mile. Don’t forget to trim your taint hair. You are going to look good tonight and any ladies in the theater are going to be DTF and probably into some weird shit. Never bring a knife to a gunfight, and never bring a hairy taint out with you when you might run into girls who are into buttfun.
Moisturize. After shaving, you are going to want to get in some quality Lotion Time. Don’t ruin everything by having ashy, irritated skin.
Bronze. Coat your entire body in a thick layer of sunless tanner, or better yet, already be tan - or be black.
Underwear. Don your best pair of posing trunks. If you don’t having posing trunks, wear a nice banana hammock. If you don’t have a banana hammock, wear a brightly colored pair of briefs. If you don’t have briefs, wear some flashy boxer briefs and roll up the legs for maximum quad exposure. If you don’t have any of these, then go buy some because nobody takes you seriously when you wear boxers.
Upper Body. Wear an old t-shirt or tank top. I’d recommend cutting the neckline to accentuate the V-neck that should already exist on all of your t-shirts. You will also be Hulk Hoganing your shirt at some point during the showing:
Top Layer. Especially in colder climates, wear a hoodie. Throw the hood up as you enter the theater and channel your inner Kai Greene. Mentally prepare yourself for the movie - NO DISTRACTIONS.
Final Prep. If you aren’t bald, apply copious amounts of hair gel. Also, don’t forget to pack a tupperware of chicken and rice, as well as a bottle of baby oil.
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What To Do During the Movie
When you are waiting for the movie to start, you should have your hood up. Focus. Acclimate your mind in preparation for what it is about to witness. When the lights dim and the movie begins, stand up and slowly remove your hoodie to reveal yourself to the other audience members and signify to them that you are now ready to watch this movie. If you are wearing a tank top, be sure to flex your rear delts and triceps as you remove your sweatshirt.
Whenever there is a scene that talks about diet and eating habits, crack open your tupperware, and eat your chicken along with the pros.
When there is a staging scene, and the bodybuilders are getting ready to go on stage, get ready with them. Stand up and rip off your breakaways. Begin applying baby oil. The lights from the screen will really dance off your shiny muscles.
When there is a high-testosterone scene - like the scene in Pumping Iron, where Lou Ferrigno is doing Presses and he is yelling to himself, “Arnold, Arnold Arnold!” - when there is a high energy scene like that, stand up and rip off your shirt or tank top and scream like roid rage was actually a thing.
You are all now prepped to see Generation Iron in theaters. Go forth.
Two Scoops. Get Huge. End of Story. You think you know how to be a meathead? Nope. You don't. You are small. You are weak. But we can help. So sit down, read up, and get ready for a hot beef injection.
