Two Scoops. Get Huge.

Hey guys… guys… GUYS!

Check it out… underboob.

Sweet.

-Tony

Here is the thing ladies, it isn’t really about being skinny, or healthy, or fit, or strong, or weak, or fat, or anything really. It is about being sexy. Plain and simple. Sexy is a unique characteristic, and either you are, or you are not.

Skinny is not sexy, sure, but it can be if the chick is hot.

Healthy is sexy, sure, but only if the chick is hot.

Healthy is just Step One to becoming sexy. Let me explain:

Why Being Fit Isn’t Altogether Sexy:

You can work out all you want sweetheart, but if what your mamma gave you is a busted-ass face, a pair of lopsided titties, and low self esteem, there ain’t no exercise for that.

The broad in the photo above is sexy because she is sexy, not because she can perform Olympic lifts (although that helps). Now, you can definitely up your score if you got a banging body, but then you are still known as a Butter Face. And we haven’t even started talking about what happens when you open your mouth.

You can overcome all the physical roadblocks that prevent a woman from being attractive, and still not be sexy.

You can have the face of Helen of Troy, the stomach of the chick in the picture above, the arms of Michelle Obama, the ass of Kim Kardashian, and the tits of Scarlett Johansson, but if you walk around with your shoulders slouched, a scowl on your face, and a chip on your shoulder, you still won’t be sexy. Sorry. Plus you would be a white person with black person arms which is fucking strange.

You have got to BE SEXY, to be sexy.

What is Sexy?

Take notes Victoria’s Secret:
Sexy is made up of Looks, Confidence, and Intelligence.

Looks
Genetics determines a lot of this, but if you workout, eat right, get fit like the chick above - you are halfway there. BOOM, done. I can’t tell you how many guys I know who have justified hooking up with a Cincinnati Bengal with the excuse, “but she had a tight body, right?”

You are halfway there, you want to go the extra mile? Does your face need some work? Get it done. That might be an oversimplification of plastic surgery, but let’s assume that works out for you, and now you got the looks.

Confidence
Once you got the looks, play the part. Strut your stuff, wear a shorter skirt, show a little more cleavage, flip your hair, arch your back, bat your eyelashes, suck your finger suggestively, give over-the-pants hand jobs in public places, I don’t give a fuck. If you look sexy, have the confidence to fucking WORK. THAT. SHIT.

You see that guy looking at you from across the free weight area? You know how long it will take him to think about fucking you? Negative 14 minutes. The second you walked past him in tight, neon boy shorts and a cut-off tee that shows some glossy midriff, he imagined you wearing nothing except the glossy midriff.

By the time you caught him staring, he has already been using every mirror at his disposal to snipe a peak at dat ass.

Are you one of those girls who like to do slow, controlled bent-over dumbbell rows? The kind where you don’t actually get a workout, but your cleavage looks good in the mirror and you can arch your back so you know your ass is in the most presentable position possible?

If you don’t do this exercise, you should. And if you do, that guy who was eying you from across the gym, if you want him, you got him - act like it.
Guys are easy and stupid.

I had a hot girl friend once ask me, “You think I am hotter than Heather, right Tony? So then why does she get all the guys? I don’t get it.”
The answer is simple, “because Heather has confidence, girl! …And she is a whore. Guys like whores.”

Intelligence
Now that you look and act sexy, all you need is a little bit of intelligence to back it up, because at some point you are going to have to open your mouth. You can look good as hell, but if you are socially and functionally retarded, it can be very distracting. Take this chick for example:

Using Two Scoops’ patented ZipCode Rating System, Courtney Stodden starts out as a 81910:

But the second this bitch opens her mouth? 60900:

Ms. Stodden here is sexy as fuck, but the more I watch that video, the more turned off I get. That’s right ladies, looks can get you far, but if you want to be ALL POWERFUL, you have to have some semblance of an IQ. There is an old addage, “Don’t stick your dick in crazy,” and dat bitch cray.

I may have probably definitely kind of over-simplified Sexy in this article, but the fact of the matter is that the “Health is Sexy” poster above suggests that ‘if you are a woman, and you do CrossFit, you will be sexy,’ and that is just simply not true. I had to step in and say something.

"Sexy is Sexy."

-Tony “Too Sexy For His Shirt” Muscoli

(Source: bass-sex-gym)

In an attempt to stay informed/find new material/have pictures of chicks show up on my computer screen, I follow a number of blogs regarding women’s fitness. It can be real hit or miss. The line between a gorgeous body and a gross body is blurred in ways I hadn’t previously thought possible. Check out this chick for example:

You can dig that right? But then I’ll get sent pictures like the one below with a caption like, “nice abs!” And I’m sitting there thinking, “whaddafuckahyatalkginabow?” Nothing is attractive about a women with ab veins. NOTHING. As is, this girl’s face is in need of assistance. Like, she is on her way to being an acceptable member of my B list if she could get a body to match, but I could just never look up too see a set of abs like that and not choke on my own vomit.

So I think I’ll try and post one of these every once in a while and let you decide, are these fitness chicks sexy or scary? Do you make her turn around, or do you turn and run? Do you feed her fresh fruit off the vine, or do you check for an Adam’s apple? Does she give you head, or does she give you a spot? Hammer her, or Hammer Curls? Deep throat, or deep squats? Bent over a table, or bent-over rows?

You get the point.

-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli