Two Scoops. Get Huge.

I don’t get it. This nice man in the tank top is concerned about the quality of his fellow gym goers workout, and this scrawny tightass can’t even respond coherently.

What is so hard to understand about this bro’s question?
DID YOU, OR DID NOT YOU, GET YOUR BURN ON you pastey little cardio turd?

I hate Planet Fitness so much. These commercials dehumanize meatheads to the point where I can’t throw up the Front Double Biceps salute to a random stranger in a park without fear of ridicule.

The United States of Freedom made great strides for human rights when the Supreme Court struck down DOMA. But we need to take it one step further, and gain support for a new DOMA (Defense of Meatheads Act), which you can be sure Planet Fitness will fight every step of the way.

Time to get your burn on bros.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli

Reader Email

Check out this supreme douchebag meathead.

Sincerely,
WTF

WTF is right. The hair, the creepy mustache, the tan, the shaved chest, the shirt. Is that shirt seriously cut that way, or did he make some customizations? Does it even have sleeves, or a front? Where do you even buy that? What do you call it, a deep U? Honestly, I am so fucking appalled I can’t even speak.

Appalled at myself for not thinking of this look sooner. All this time I’ve been sampling hair gels, oversized belt buckles, facial hair styles, and V-necks, trying to perfect the Ultimate Clubbing Look, and this guy has had it the whole fucking time.

He knows it too. He knows the real douchebags are the shlups standing around him. So he doesn’t give two shits about the camera guy. Look at everybody else, trying to be all cool in front of the camera. Not this guy. He knows he already looks cool, so he is just staring off past the camera, scoping chicks. Hound-dogging right up in your grill mix.

And while people all over the internet are calling this guy a “megadouche", he is probably having a good laugh while he bangs some smokin’ hot babe. And not just regular hot, trashy hot. Bleach blonde hair, orange skin, 5-inch heels, hoop earrings, and a pair of ridiculous(ly awesome) fake boobs that would straight up knock you unconscious if you tried to motorboat them.

-Tony “Two Scoops" Muscoli