I honestly feel bad for this bro. He won’t be able to look anybody in the eye when he goes to the gym tomorrow. Not being able to open a water bottle on national TV has to be on every meathead’s Top 10 Biggest Fears list, right behind “Getting Out-Benched by a Girl.”
I get asked every day to open jars and shit for people, and I do it with ease. I usually throw in an extra forearm flex just for show, especially if it’s a hot broad asking me to open her jar of pickles.
But deep down, beneath my steroid-acne covered flawless skin and bulging, muscular physique, there is a little boy whose greatest insecurity is that he won’t be able to open that jar, and that everybody will make fun of me for it and think I am less of a man. I AM A MAN GOD DAMN IT! LOOK HOW MUCH I CAN CURL! I FUCK GIRLS! *sobs uncontrollably*
When the day finally comes that you can’t open that container, and it does come - for all of us,… when that day comes I just hope to God that it doesn’t happen when I am in a public place.
And I am not a religious man, but I still pray every day that if it does happen in a public place, that a camera man isn’t there to broadcast it on national television.
And if that moment when I can’t open a water bottle does get broadcast on national television, I just dream that there won’t be two sports commentators there to call me out and ridicule my now seemingly pointless physique.
I feels for this bro. I feels. If you have any shred of decency in you, you will add an extra set of Farmer’s Walks to your training today. Do it for your shamed Brethren in Swole. Do it for your fellow Two Scoopers. Do it for your forearms. Do it for yourself.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
