Watch this fucking retarded 5 Hour Energy commercial:
Do you understand the problem I have with this commercial? Do you see how insulting this is? Talk about dumbing shit down. This ad is basically saying, “are you too lazy to MAKE COFFEE? Well then buy our magicical cure-all juice!” The guy walks right past his coffee maker, the espresso maker, and reaches into his cabinet for a 5 Hour Energy. You know how long it takes to make coffee in the morning? Five fucking minutes, and most coffee makers nowadays have automatic timers that will start brewing before your alarm even goes off so you will have coffee freshly brewed when you wake up, so you don’t even have an excuse.
And another thing, a cup of home brewed coffee costs about $0.33, while a 5 Hour Energy costs $3.99 at CVS. So is the 5 minutes it takes to brew a cup of coffee worth the 1200% markup?! God damn thieves is what they are, and swindlers.
A Get Huge Routine:
Listen America, you can be better. You don’t have to be a lazy piece of shit just because 5 Hour Energy tells you to be. Can I tell you something? Every morning, I wake up an hour and a half before my workout, I pull the blender down from the shelf, plug it in, pour in 2 cups of milk, 4 frozen strawberries, a banana, and 2 scoops of chocolate whey protein. Then I put the blender on “frappe” and wait for 15 seconds. Then I chug the whole fucking blender. Then I go back to bed.
Then I wake up 30 minutes before my workout, clean up the blender, reach into the cupboard and pull out a glass, and a tub of NO-Xplode or Jack3d or SuperPump250 or whatever heart palpitation inducing pre-workout supp I am taking at the moment, mix in two scoops with a cup of water, take it to the face, and head off to the gym. That is a fucking routine. Sometimes, when I am poor, I’ll replace the pre-workout supp with a huge ass cup of coffee. But the point is, rolling out of bed and suckling on a nipple of 5 Hour Energy doesn’t do a god damn thing but make you stupid and apathetic. How the fuck are you going to get psyched up for the day, or for your workout, with 2 ounces of overpriced tang? Not to mention the fact that the synthetic caffeine in 5 Hour has less effect than the real shit.
Stop wasting your money, stop being stupid, stop drinking 5 Hours, and start reading more TwoScoops.
