Remember this commercial from the 2003 Super Bowl?
Terry Tate’s Office Linebacker:
I shouldn’t have to explain to you folks why I think this video is awesome. For those of you who are clueless, the Office Linebacker position is secretly every meathead’s dream office job. Not all of us can be bouncers forever, there comes a time when many of us muscle heads have to hang up our tight black t-shirts, clip that velvet rope back into place one last time, bid farewell to the beautifully slutty cocktail waitresses at Club [insert chic noun here], don a pair of khakis and a tie, and enter the 9-5 grind.
When people saw that office linebacker commercial for the first time they thought it was hilarious, they loved it! Millions of hits on YouTube. But all the men who had to buy their suit pants separately from their “athletic fit” suit jackets (because not everybody with a 48 inch chest is a fat ass with a size 42 waist) cried silently at their desks, wishing in vain for HR to post a job opening for a real life Office Linebacker position.
I was one of those poor souls. I watched that commercial and I had fleeting hope that I could fit into normal society. But alas I was young, ignorant, and impetuous. I mean I was just a kid for god sakes, and my big, muscular fingers were just learning how to tie the Windsor Knot. I can remember thinking to myself, “hey, that could be ME someday.”
But now, 8 years later, I know that day will never come. Society couldn’t handle the smooth efficiency that an Office Linebacker would bring to the workplace. At least consider an Office Cornerback for god sakes. He could just hassle people for the first 5 minutes of a task then play tight man-on-man until the task was complete. Think about it: At the NYSE, if you asked a runner to get a trade across the floor, think how much faster he would go if as soon as you handed him the order, an Office Cornerback gave him a shove then started to back pedal, keeping his eyes locked on the runner’s chest.
People would move a lot faster if they could hear those footsteps behind them. Fuck it, hire an Office Linebacker and a Corner and have them play zone. Don’t have to worry about some pip squeek trying to shuffle-step into a button hook to hit on one of the hot interns because a highly trained Office Linebacker will pick that up 9 times out of 10 and lay him out even before he even starts his juke.
Only in a perfect world I guess.
God this job market sucks.
-Tony “Two Scoops” Muscoli
