Choosing a protein powder is about more than getting huge [citation needed]. Your choice of powder lets people in on the little secrets that define who you really are. And nobody wants to be misjudged on the basis of their protein supp. Here is what your protein powder says about you.
Herbalife: You are either very new to this, or you are a tremendous pussy. You thought that you spotted the “healthy” and “natural” choice in the shark infested ocean of unregulated supplements. Furthermore, you are probably kept up at night wondering why you can never bench press more than twice your body weight. I’ll tell you why: It’s because your protein supp has pictures of leaves and a graceful figure with feminine calves on the bottle. That shit cant work. If you don’t see pictures of oiled and shredded muscles, put that shit back on the shelf. End of story.
GNC Pro Performance: You are cheap. Really cheap. What did you pay, like 20 dollars for this shit? You think that you gamed the system by paying half price for the same stuff that’s in the big shiny bottle, don’t you. Simultaneously, you wonder why your traps are softer than your girlfriend’s saggy tits. Pay the extra 40 dollars, Brohan, and then maybe you can get huge enough to upgrade to a woman than doesn’t look exactly like John Goodman.
BSN Syntha-6: You are Asian. You no longer want to be the puny little geek from high school, so you hit the college weight room daily, only to realize that getting huge takes more than work ethic; it takes drugs. The name and the shiny bottle jumped off the shelf at you, screaming the word “SCIENCE!” at the top of its lungs; you were powerless. Well fortunately for you, this shit is awesome. You probably bulked up to the size of a regular athletic human, and all the cute little Korean babes from the sorority house want to marry you at the age of 22. Well Played, Bromethius, well played.
Nitro Tech Hardcore: You have diarrhea. Your diarrhea has diarrhea. You spend all of your money on this stuff, leaving only loose change to buy toilet paper, a decision that your asshole will never forgive you for. On the bright side, you’re fucking enormous. The smokin babe on the elliptical gives you her digits every time. And you would seal the deal too, if you weren’t so afraid of untimely anal seepage.
Protein powder is about making sacrifices. If you want to be huge, prepare to gamble with your life. If you would rather be healthy, get the fuck out of Gold’s and drag your pitiful ass back to Bally Total Fitness. And never come back to this website, you’re a disgrace.
Choose Wisely.
- Dudley “Stacks” Rodman
